My new year feels a bit clunky so far.  I’m dragging around some old resentments and trying to decide what I really want to do and be.  I am supposed to start grad school in two months and I’m struggling with what program is right.  This summer will be 10 years in the same job and I just feel like I want something different but I don’t know what…. and I want to have  more experiences.

Maybe it’s winter boredom.  Maybe 35 is a time to assess and plan.  I have 30 years or more left in the work force and I need to plan out where my place will be.  I just feel unsettled at the moment and I’m not sure what decision will serve me best!

At my last job there was an evil little troll who expected to get whatever she wanted and screw everyone else.  I can’t even tell you how many times I worked so that she could be off only to be berated any time that I needed time off work.  At my current job there is turmoil from time to time with one person who works what she wants to work, when she wants to work it with little consideration of the rest of the department.  It is annoying at best.

Over the weekend I had lots of problems with fairness and the refusal of my mother in law to speak to her sisters when arranging for Christmas, so that created plenty of heartache and havoc.  I just wish that people would consider what is fair and reasonable.  When we open our home we open it to everyone, and get a lukewarm response, however, if we don’t make the offer there is hurt feelings and frustration.  My wish for 2012 is for people to be considerate of one another in all aspects of my life!

I admit, I wonder sometimes what Ed has been up to and if he is continuing on his downward spiral or if he has been able to salvage his life.  I have wondered from time to time how different our lives would have been if I stayed.  I know that we would still be facing tremendous financial struggles, and my son would likely be starting at the community college instead of one of the private school’s he is considering.  I know that I wouldn’t have been able to finish college.  It’s funny, the last three years, even though they have been full of hard work, have been fun and happy. 

Hopefully Ed is somewhere safe this Christmas, and hopefully Nancy is somewhere celebrating with her grandchildren.  I know where my family will be and what we’ll be doing, and I am confident I’ll be able to enjoy it without fear of an agitated and angry man.

Tonight I’ll be at the Southeast Madrigal Dinner and Holiday Concert – maybe that will get me in the mood.  I’m almost done with the shopping, the tree is up and I have decided what I’ll make for treats to give as gifts, now I just have to get myself cheery and ready to enjoy.  Sometimes, you have to smile and go along, even when you don’t feel like it!

The day of the game I called and e-mailed my ex-mother-in-law and my ex-sister-in-law and told them how to watch it online.  I wonder if Ed watched or not.  That afternoon I worked in the ticket booth with another mom whose ex-husband is named Ed.  She calls him “Edweirdo” as a play on Eduardo.   I like it, but I don’t think I’ll use it.  Even though Ed has fallen off the planet for my son I have tried hard not to poison the waters. 

After an awesome Tuesday, we celebrated with family Thursday, shopped on Friday and relaxed on Saturday.  It is nice to have a normal life again.

This is a period of change in my world.  I am nearly done with school.  I am nearly done as the chair for band boosters.  It is an exciting time.  Something I could never have done with Ed in my life.  Success wasn’t a valid prospect for me in our marriage.  It is funny to think of how far I have come in the (almost) three years since our divorce and the 6 years since I left.  Sometimes I wake up and it still doesn’t seem possible, other days, I cannot believe all the I endured for nothing!

It will sound strange but I’m finally ready to talk to Bob.  In a weird way I miss him.  Even though I didn’t always agree with his decisions, he was always true to himself.  Being afraid of Ed all the time has come and gone.  I don’t mean that I think he won’t jump into my life again someday and scare the bejeebers out of me, but for the moment, the worst of the threat has passed.  I have reached the point that it’s ok to tell people I have a good life now, and that I had to leave Ed because of his addictions.

I was raised by a divorced mother who refused to fit any stereotype and I became a teenage mother who refused to fit any stereotype.  I am on my second marriage, and I wish that the first had either NEVER happened or that the outcome could have been different.  The problem is that I am so happy in my second marriage and pleased with the way that my life came out that I don’t know how I would have gotten here if my first marriage hadn’t tanked so badly.  Doesn’t that sound funny? But truly, my life is good because of what I endured and that I have a respect for all the good things that have been able to come my way. 

It’s funny how our goals, paths, objectives and ideas can change so much over time!

The fire was on the top floor, we lived on the first floor.  Monday I was in the area and drove by.  There isn’t any damage visible from the outside, and other than peeling paint, the house looks the same. It’s so funny, even with the bad things that happened there and all the house’s quirks I still love it!  The wood floors were dark and familiar (we used to have to pound nails back in), there were no electrical outlets in the bathroom, the windows leaked a TON of cold air, the shower had drain problems, the dining room ceiling leaked, there was only window air, the houses were stacked on top of each other and there were no temperatures marked on the oven knob… but it was a great house.  There was something about it.  Maybe it was because I have great memories from my son’s childhood associated with it.  Maybe it’s because I got out alive. 

The woman who lives in my old apartment had a tragedy right after she moved in.  Her boyfriend died in an accident at a lake that Ed liked to go to.  Even though the people who have had that building as their home are scarred on the inside, they look normal on the outside, just like the house.  Hopefully our landlord lands on his feet.  He’s a good guy with a heart of gold and we wouldn’t have made it without him either.