Archive for April, 2009

Love and Sacrifice

April 30, 2009

I had the most interesting conversation yesterday about loving someone completely and being totally vulnerable to them.   You give everything that you are able to give and are uncertain of what you will get in return.  That is how I loved in my first marriage.   I gave all and then some, and I got nothing… and that is why I left!

Dreams and Nightmares

April 29, 2009

Throughout our separation I had terrible nightmares about Ed being with other women, attacking me, breaking into my house and killing me in my bed.  Now that everything is finalized and he is with the whore that has changed.  Last night I dreamt that he called me to apologize for all the terrible things that he did during our marriage, separation and divorce.  He couldn’t, even in my sleep, come clean for all the LIES that he told over all those years.  I still don’t feel as though I can forgive him for all the pain that he caused and I doubt that he will ever be accountable for the damage! 

I think it may have been prompted by his mother calling Sunday night.  I ordered her a mother’s day present yesterday from Erik.  Even though they are not biologically related she was a good grandmother to him!

No Scrubs

April 28, 2009

“A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly, And is also known as a buster, Always talking about what he wants, And just sits on his broke ass. ”  followed two verses later with “I don’t want no scrubs, a scrub is a guy who can’t get no love from me”

Well there it is… Ed is a scrub…. funny in the 90’s when I married him I knew this song by heart.  Sometimes it is REALLY hard to see someone for what they are.

Abuse and Neglect

April 27, 2009

I am the first to admit that Ed’s relationship with me had a foundation with a LOT of anger.  I feel completely cheated.  I paid, nurtured, worked, helped, went without sleep and served as his nurse, cook, chauffeur and prostitute.   I truly believed that I could successfully recreate my parents marriage but with a happy ending.  Foolish… very foolish.  Ed is physically and verbally abusive.  He was that way with his first wife.  He was that way with me.  He will be that way if he gets married again.  I actually helped him to get child abuse charges removed from his record so that he could get a job.  Unbelievable.  I was totally duped and now I tell people, sometimes, that I was a battered wife.  I think it makes me look bad.  I put up with it.  I allowed it.  I was abused.

Where oh Where

April 23, 2009

I know that Ed is continuing to be delinquent in his bills.  So freaking odd.  He sells the motorcycle for less than it is worth and then doesn’t use the money to pay his bills.  Makes one wonder.  Is he in debt from gambling?  Did he give it to the whore for something?  Is he preparing to leave the state???  So many questions, not enough answers.

Pondering

April 22, 2009

I have spent the last two days wondering if Ed’s whore is a woman whose obituary is in the paper this week.  If it is I feel bad for her family, not for him.  He can use more loss.  He took a lot of things away from a lot of people who loved him as much as they could.  If he suffers it is his own decision.

I have a car, a Jeep to be exact

April 21, 2009

An amusing and important thing that Ed doesn’t know is that I followed the advice of SEVERAL divorce specialists and I bought a car in my own name before the divorce was finalized.  Since his name isn’t on it and he knows NOTHING about it, my Jeepers wasn’t even mentioned in court the day of the divorce.  Sunday when I finish getting belongings out of our old garage he might see it for the very first time.  Maybe the shock will give him palpitation’s!  A girl can dream right?

Yet another change

April 20, 2009

During our marriage Ed was SUPER controlling.  He likes to pretend that the people around are trying to control him as a way of further exerting his control over them.  It is a quite perplexing game that he understands more than the rest of the world.

Yesterday I went and 17 inches cut off my hair.  Ed would always tell the stylist (my former co-workers and friends) to not cut too much, and leave it long, because  she has the most beautiful hair.  Well world, I also have a pretty face and my long hair is now perfectly framed around it.  Oh yea!!!  Empowerment rules!

Big News

April 17, 2009

For a man who “loves” his ex-stepson as though he were his own, he doesn’t actually know what goes on in  his life.   Yesterday said teen served as a pallbearer at a friend’s mother’s funeral.  It was among the saddest days that we have lived through.  

As you can see at this point, Ed doesn’t care enough about other people to take any notice to what goes on in their lives, even when we claims to love them!

Oh Bad

April 16, 2009

Poor Ed had his cell number disconnected…. I wonder if it’s because his whore got tired of paying for him to call his ex-wife, or if it’s because she called it off with him.

Ed doesn’t know that his addictions are killing him.  He thinks that he will be able to rebound, but he is too far gone.