Archive for May, 2009

Twisting the Knife

May 31, 2009

Ed called today, not that this is surprising.  It is my son’s 15th birthday.  He called and wanted to come drop off a present.  I refused.  I reminded him that he had called twice since Easter and promised to spend time with him and never called back.  I informed Ed that this is his last chance.  He is supposed to call back tonight and wish my son a happy birthday and then call again another night this week.  We talked for a few minutes about the things that he has been missing and I took the opportunity to remind him that this is the only child he has left.  This spring that child has performed on the main stage at a local college.  He received his first ever high school letter and tomorrow he will get his driver’s permit.  He is becoming a man and the person who wanted to be his “father” can’t even make an effort to call him. 

He claims that he hadn’t been calling because he wanted to create distance between he and I.  Although he couldn’t explain why he was leaving messages on my voicemailat work with music if that was his intent.  (Is there anyone that this sounds like distance to?) I reminded him again that he is welcome to call here and talk to my son at any time but that the burden rests solidly on Ed.  It is not the responsibility of a child to make time for his parent.  Every week my son has called Ed’s parents to maintain the relationship.  Does that sound like someone who is keeping a child from the other person?

It felt good to stand up for my position.  Good to protect my son.  Good to be “mama bear”.  And as retched as this sounds it felt REALLY good to say mean and hurtful things to Ed.  It felt good to tell him that I cannot trust him and that he is a liar.  It felt good to remind him that he choose some whore over the only child that he can even contact.  And it felt GREAT to remind him that I am not keeping my son from him, but assuring his safety when he wants to visit.  Today I am EMPOWERED! 

Poor Monkey

May 29, 2009

My son’s 15th birthday is Sunday.  Nothing from Ed so far.  Not a phone call, not a card, not anything.  His mom sent a card yesterday with his name misspelled.  Sometimes it amazing to me how dysfunctional the whole thing has become.  I feel bad that my son has been tied into the middle of it.  I feel worse that I didn’t encourage Ed to get the help that he needed before it went this far. 

Ed’s children are 16, 18 and 20.  He gave them away when they were 1, 3 and 5.  He swore that he would never lose another child.  He has really never forgiven himself for putting the others up for adoption and now he is walking away and pretending that the child he did so much to raise doesn’t even exist.  How can an addiction so completely replace a person?  Hopefully when my son is older he will be able to distinguish between pain pill Marion and recovery Ed.

Tomorrow will be a big day

May 28, 2009

Tomorrow after work I will be taking my divorce decree to the car insurance people to get my name removed from the policy and to get them to stop trying to deduct the money from my old checking account.  It would seem to me that after 4pm tomorrow Ed will have NO INSURANCE.  No car, no health, no nothing.  It seems that he is close to where he was when I met him, although instead of a roommate he has a parent living with him.  And of course he is suffering instead of recovering.

Alcoholic Gravity

May 27, 2009

Nothing more since the four messages with the same song.  I think that it must be related to Alcoholic Gravity.  Ed is testing to see if I will run to him and try to determine what the problem is.  Does he miss me?  Does he hate me?  Is he drinking?  Out of medications?  He is trying to use the alcoholism and addiction problems to make me over function.  Unfortunately for him I have bigger fish to fry so he can just sit there and stew.

I Don’t Understand

May 26, 2009

I had this AWESOME holiday weekend… but.  Last night I had a call where someone just listened to me say hello and then they hung up…. and Sunday night/Monday morning Ed called and left the same verse of the same song on my work voice mail four times.  I’m not sure if he’s drinking or over medicated.  Maybe now that he is without health insurance he’s under medicated.  Oh well.  Hopefully it was a fluke!

True Life

May 22, 2009

I confess, I’m 32 and I still watch MTV.  Last night they had on “True Life – I am addicted to Porn”.  I of course had to watch it.  There was a couple who had been very much in love until he gave up on his wife and four children for pornography.  Before he went to treatment she said “you have to give our marriage and family EVERYTHING you have, or you will lose it all.”  I totally said the same thing, and I didn’t get anything out of it.  Now Ed is with Nancy and she is allowing him to slide down the rabbit hole.  She takes him to casino’s and they buy and watch pornography together.  She’ll learn too.  Either that or she’s as much an addict as he is!

Can’t Hardly Wait

May 21, 2009

Next Friday when I get paid it will not have health insurance costs deducted for Ed.  I know this may seem petty, but this is the first time in 12 years and 3 months that I haven’t had to pay for his health insurance.  I am still working to resolve being stuck paying for his car insurance since he refused to call the insurance agent back and give her information about a new account for the money to be withdrawn from. 

I am a little more free EVERY day!

12 Years Ago

May 20, 2009

12 years ago this week Ed and I were getting ready to spend the weekend camping at a local lake.  Things went okay until he faked an injury in a car accident to get insurance money.  That’s totally Ed. 

As far as things that Ed doesn’t know – I originally went on a date with him to get him to leave me alone!

Missing Out

May 19, 2009

My son got his first “letter” last night.  He has the possibility of three this year.  Ed doesn’t even know.  I wish that he was stronger than this addiction.  I also wish it was as simple as him being a deadbeat. 

It seems that each month things are more different than I imagined them being.   I participate in a women’s group and one of things that we have talked about is praying for your ex-husband.  Maybe that’s what I need to try.  Do not mistake this for attachment, or even pity.  I think it is REALLY sad that he has thrown away hiw whole life for pain pills, pornography and gambling.  Really sad!

So What

May 18, 2009

“I guess I just lost my husband I don’t know where he went.  But I’m going to drink my money I’m not going to pay his rent.”

Or his health insurance, or his car repairs, or his utilities, cable, phone, groceries, man this is one long list!!! 

I find myself fortunate to have Ed out of my life BUT I wish that I could have had more control over the situation… and I confess, I need a little instant karma, and I still want him to be more miserable than he is.  My other divorced friends tell me this too shall pass, but I think it would pass faster if he was hit by a bus.  Maybe a bus full of sumo wrestlers!