Archive for September, 2009

Bumping Into the Past

September 24, 2009

It’s odd when I run into people who Ed and I knew before.  I don’t know what to say to them.  How do you say that your spouse fell down the rabbit hole and you got tired of pulling them out?  That’s really what happened.  I couldn’t motivate him, couldn’t save him, and ultimately couldn’t keep him from succumbing to his addictions… so I walked away and started over… and yet, there is still something very much like guilt.  Which is why I’m still in therapy =)

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Bottomless

September 23, 2009

Last night at the women’s group I attend we talked about reconciliation with your ex-husband and the kind of reconciliation that is possible during separation, after divorce, and for Christians even after death.  It has been very painful for me that I did so much for Ed and got nothing in return.  It has been even more painful to know how much I did and to feel discarded and for a time replaced.  While the cool hip girl inside me knows that I am absolutely the best thing that he will ever have in his life…. the little nagging doubt wants to know why I wasn’t enough.

I guess one of my best friends said it best.  No matter what I tried I couldn’t be happy when I was with him.  He didn’t do anything to make me happy, and I will always, ALWAYS be better off without him!

Weird and Liberating

September 22, 2009

It is quite odd having no communication with Ed.  In a good way, definitely a good way… but odd, maybe sad, almost mysterious.  I’m not sure who stepped in and rescued him.  I don’t think it was Nancy, it might be a woman he was running around with when I left him, it might be one of his friends.  Truly it could be anyone. 

I nearly stroked last night when I left our new house to get pizza.  Ed drives an OLD Ford Escort and it’s twin was parked in the parking lot across from us.  I actually drove across the street and circled it to make sure he wasn’t just sitting over there watching us.   While I know our new life will be an advantage for my son I wonder what it feels like for him to have Ed just fall off the planet and pretend as though he doesn’t exist any more.  While I am happy to be done with him I am disappointed in his decisions just the same.

Still in Town

September 17, 2009

As far as I know Ed is still in town… still no communication from him which is both a plus and a minus.  His mom was REALLY hurting when I spoke with her the other night.  She doesn’t understand how his addictions could have made him so selfish, so hardened.  She works as a nurse at a prison in Colorado and she told me that listening to him was like listening to the inmates.  He takes no responsibility or accountability for the way his life has turned out.  Why he has chosen this somewhat destitute life is beyond my comprehension.  My son has played three football games this season.  Ed has been in town for two of them and hasn’t even known they were scheduled.  When his mom and I got off the phone the other night she wanted to talk about her friend John, who never hit bottom, and died alone in an apartment estranged from his family, his wife, his four kids, and many of his friends.  From an overdose (intentional or unintentional) of prescription pain medication.

And He’s Back

September 14, 2009

I talked to Ed’s mom last night and learned that he’s back in Lincoln.  She was amazed to see how ravanged he has been by his addictions.  He is “staying with a friend” and looking for a job.  She’s not sure who he is staying with, I have my suspects.  They paid for car repairs, clothes and his cell phone bill and packed him up to go to Reno and try life there.  He changed his mind and came back here.  To nothing….