Archive for October, 2009

Fall – ing

October 29, 2009

I’m not sure why I associate the fall with Ed.  Maybe it’s football and scary movies, or maybe there is something in my subconscious that remembers he was a little happier in the fall.  I don’t know…

I went to my women’s group this week and we talked about trying to remember some of the better things with our wasbands so that we could release some of the drama and feel better about our decisions in the past and the present.  Sometimes I just have to wonder, was he this big an idiot when I married him or is this something new and I just didn’t notice before?

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Now That’s What I Call Ugly

October 28, 2009

I got my very first look at Nancy the Whore yesterday.  Wow… she was beaten with the ugly stick… at least twice.  If I was a man, I would call her a “double bagger”.  Her skin tone is TERRIBLE… ghostly white with tan spots, like a Palomino horse.  Her eyes are too small for her head and her nose is too big for her face.  She is high waisted and wears her pants up too high with her shirt tucked in.  (Way to go Urkel!)  And she just looks MEAN and ugly…

She was standing on their front porch smoking and Ed was crawling around in the yard trying to scoop up the leaves.  I can promise you that I have never been drunk enough, broke enough or sick enough to take my clothes off for ANYONE who looked that bad!

I Was Easily the Best

October 27, 2009

This may sound conceited, but honestly, it’s the truth.  I was the only person who ever cared enough about Ed to give him a shot at his dreams.  I can only blame him for losing his vision and expectations along the way.  I know that I am prettier, smarter, more loving, more honest and more humane than the woman that he ended up with.  Sometimes I worry that Ed was with me to use me, but truly I had nothing but the skill to live in the throes of poverty… and we were pretty successful at keeping food in the kitchen and the power turned on. 

I don’t know how much time Ed has left in this world.  His addictions and abuses are powerful, his depression seems from the outside to be debilitating…. I wish that he would go to another state and make an effort to put his life together!  

 

Funny Coincidences

October 26, 2009

Sometimes there is Kismet, other times there is deja vu, and then in life there are FUNNY coincidences.  Ed is living around 48th and Calvert, likely close to an apartment that he lived in during the early 1980’s.  This is interesting because I drive past this spot at least twice every day.  It’s hilarious because I know his landlord… and she and I are friends and I’m almost certain that she doesn’t realize her tenant is my ex-husband…

Ed and Nancy are living in a love shack, literally!!! The total living space in the house is 645 square feet.  One bedroom, one bathroom.  It’s perfect for a single but mighty cramped for a pair.  Especially a pair who fights like feral cats.  bahhahahahha that means that this house is LESS THAN half of the size of our old apartment AND that is one-fourth the size of my new house…. I guess sometimes you do get what you deserve.

Talking Things Over

October 20, 2009

Sometimes a girl’s best friend is a recovering addict =)  One of my oldest and dearest friends asked me last night how I was doing with the Ed situation.  I told her about telling him that he had to be honest with me, hanging up the phone and not calling him back.   She told me that telling him that I couldn’t talk to him in his condition was an amazing sign of tough love.  We talked about how much his decision hurt his mom and his family and we talked about how hard it was to lose someone to addiction.   

I wonder sometimes about his motives to use Nancy… which makes me wonder about my relationship with him.  How long did he just see me as the enabler?  How many times did I need to encourage him in his recovery?  I know that his addiction is about him and not about me.  I know that Al-Anon would make some things easier for me.  I also know that recovery Ed was a really good guy, much better than pain pill Marion.

Saturday night I had a terrible nightmare that Ed died.  I dreamt that I got a phone call from the hospital and there was nothing that they could do.  I shot out of bed in a half panic and was comforted back to sleep by my husband.  I wonder if there is any premonition in that or if my subconscious is just preparing my mind for the reality that he truly doesn’t have long for this earth with his lifestyle and choices.

Not My Failure

October 14, 2009

Ok so there it is in Black and White…. or whatever color you have your screen set to =)  Ed’s destruction, self-destruction and subsequent homelessness, poor decisions and return to the path of addiction are NOT MY FAILURE. 

It takes a lot to accept that… some work to believe it… and it eases my SOUL to say it out loud.  I cannot save him from himself, Nancy the whore, or from the addictions that have taken their toll in every single part of his life. 

My son played an AMAZING game last night, and he only has one more left for the year.  And Ed, who insists to people that he is his father, and actually served as one for many years, hasn’t seen one single game.  It hurts that I supported Ed in getting his life together and now he has thrown it away, and I will probably be FOREVER sad that he can’t get back into his recovery and have the life that he honestly deserves.  I guess I’ll have to have a little hope.  But that doesn’t mean I work in his gravity or that I help him in any way…. I just means that I hope!

Things That Make You Go Ew

October 12, 2009

I am seriously ALMOST positive that Ed is back with Nancy.  I know.  YUCK.  So here are some yucky things about that.

Ed is 12 years older than me… and Nancy is at least 10 years older than Ed.  Which means she is almost old enough to be his mother AND she has kids that are older than I am. (is that incestuous or what???)

One of the things that I said when I found out that he was dating was that I needed her to be old, fat and ugly.  I realized recently that I know one of her kids (Lincoln is a small town) and her child is lazy, chubby and bitchy.  What is it they say?  Like mother like daughter?  I sure hope so.

I am still torn between feeling sorry for Ed and being furious with him.  I wonder often if that’s the last little bit of alcoholic gravity, sadness that I couldn’t make it work or just sheer disgust at the way I was manipulated by him.  It’s like a terrible car accident.  As much as you want to look, you want to look away and forget.

Being an Adult

October 9, 2009

I’ve been thinking quite a bit about Ed’s decision to return to Lincoln and to Nancy.  (which is still unconfirmed)  If he had stayed in Colorado his mom and ex step father would have forced him to do SOMETHING.  If he moved to Reno he would have had to work with his sister-in-law, his brother or his dad.  If he had moved to Texas he would have had to find something to do.  His family is made up of worker bee’s.  They don’t understand how he can be so lazy.  There are many alcoholics, he is the only one “in recovery” but as I’ve addressed before, addicted to prescription narcotics is hardly what one would consider in recovery.  

Ed lost his capacity to be an adult.  I’m not sure that he ever had one.  What happens to people like that?  His mom has been afraid of him going to jail and becoming institutionalized for life but at this point what is he?  He has nearly perfected the skill of being helpless and manipulative.  And I was ok with it for so long… so what does that say about me?

Sick and Twisted

October 7, 2009

Ed called out of the clear blue sky this afternoon.  Informed me that he has a kidney stone, and then refused to tell me who he’s staying with.  He continued to say he didn’t want to tell me since its someone I don’t like.  I directly asked if it was Nancy and he insisted that it wasn’t.  But he refused to disclose.  I told him that I didn’t have anything further to say to him until he could tell me where he was staying and assure me that he was safe.

It seems so odd and honestly sick and twisted that he would go back to her.  I know it may sound like I’m a sad and bitter ex-wife but really I’m scared for him.  When they broke up before they had a physical blow out and she beat him up.  She threw him out and he lived on the street and he’s willing to risk that she will do that again.  That is SUPREMELY sick and twisted.  I understand that abused spouses and partners go back (believe me, I know all about that!) but why would you go back to someone who had ZERO hesitation to leave you homeless?  HOMELESS.  With nothing.  A few changes of clothes, a car that your ex-wife made sure that you had and $20.  NOTHING.  Unbelievable!

Back and Forth

October 6, 2009

Ed called about a week ago.  Left two messages two hours apart on a Sunday afternoon when he knew he wouldn’t get me.  Seems so weird to not have to hear about his drama.  I am continuing to adjust to normal functioning instead of over functioning and I’m now to the point where I want the rest of his stuff out of my garage.  This is the first year that he hasn’t seen any of my son’s football games or performances.  That part feels wrong and upsetting.  Children should never be punished as a part of divorce but in our case Ed is almost deadened by his addiction. 

I wonder how much longer he’ll survive.  But then I thought his dad was surely dead 12 years ago and he keeps right on going…. I wonder what I will feel like for me when his suffering is over?  Will I have guilt or relief?  Will he finally be at peace?