Archive for November, 2009

Forgiveness

November 30, 2009

I am really struggling with forgiveness.  I just can’t bring myself to forgive Ed for the bad things that he has done to me.  I can’t forgive his addictions either. 

Thanksgiving morning started with a call from my mom, to let me know that Ed’s ex-best friend had called me.  Since the Escort has been missing from in front of Nancy’s house I wondered if Ed had moved in with the ex-best friend and the call was Ed begging for space in our life.  I had planned a houseful for Thanksgiving Day so I decided to wait it out.  I called back on Saturday to find that he was just wanting the phone number for our old landlord.  Evidently Ed told him about a year ago that the landlord wouldn’t rent to him, and when his “friend” called the landlord and asked directly he was informed that it was because Ed had been lying to the landlord and telling him that the friend had stolen money from him or refused to pay him other money.

I wonder if he is truly a pathological liar or simply a sociopath… so glad to be out and free of him.  I have to remind myself that I loved and cared about him when he was recovery Ed and that pain-pill Marion is the person he returned to.  Living with an addict is very much like living with someone with an untreated personality disorder.

I did talk to Ed’s mom over the weekend.  She was nice to me as always, but she has stopped talking about Ed.  I suspect the pain is too much for her as well.

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Surprise, Surprise

November 24, 2009

So last Thursday, the day I wrote about getting rid of Ed’s things and being done with him forever, I ran into he and Nancy the Whore at the CVS pharmacy.  Seriously, that woman is TORN up!!! She wears a TON of make-up in an effort to look younger than she is and it doesn’t help a bit.  I was pretty shocked to run into them.  At any rate, they had come to the pharmacy in two cars (also surprising) and they were gone all weekend (not as surprising) however, Ed isn’t back yet… so I’m curious, did they sell his car to pay the rent (would have been pretty stupid), is it in the shop, did he go somewhere for Thanksgiving, did he get a job out-of-town, did they break up again, seriously, what is the deal? 

Last night I had the oddest dream.  I was in a house, not my new house or my old house and Nancy the Whore was there.  I grabbed her by her shoulders and slammed her up against a wall and got in her face.  I screamed at her to stay out of my life and I said something like “Listen bitch, I don’t want anything to do with Ed, I don’t want anything to do with you, I want to be rid of his stuff and if he is going to be a part of my son’s life than he’s going to pop in more than twice a year.”  I slammed her head against the wall, then I punched her in the face and threw her out of the house.  I felt REALLY good about it in my dream and I woke up feeling AWESOME!  I’m not sure if there would be any clear benefit to saying the same thing to her in real life but somehow my soul feels soothed.

Logistics

November 19, 2009

I’m still trying to work out the best way to drop off Ed’s belongings without a ton of phone calls from him or the police.  I’m wondering if maybe instead of 0400 I should shoot for 15 minutes before sunrise.  I can mark all his belongings with his name and phone number and set them next to his car.  Then I’ll be off the hook… surely the police wouldn’t make a big production over that.  Then we’ll send a land to cell text (I am so much happier with him not knowing my cell number) telling him that his things have been dropped off and be done with him.  It sounds like an excellent plan to me =)

Who’s Afraid of the Old Wrinkled Whore?

November 16, 2009

I’m still working out the logistics of dropping off Ed’s belongings.  I am CERTAIN that Nancy will call the police department… which will be a lovely headache for me… I want to make sure that I can drop things off without trespassing so that the police will call me but I can’t be ticketed for anything.  This is SUCH a freaking headache!

MIA

November 13, 2009

The Caddy has been gone the last two morning’s.  Not sure if they’re just out roaming around or if they are up in Council Bluffs gambling – apparently this is something they are both into.  Addictions are stinky…. not as stinky as Nancy the Whore, but close I’m sure =)

Stupid Weather

November 12, 2009

It’s supposed to rain on Saturday morning and there is a chance of a rain snow mix on Sunday…. so I don’t know what to do with Ed’s stuff.  I want to take it all back in card board boxes… which won’t protect it from the rain…. maybe I should buy a giant thing of cling wrap.  Then I could put a piece down, stack the boxes on it, wrap them in cling wrap and leave.  Or maybe I could wrap each box individually.  It is a powerful feeling to rid my life of his things.  I just want to be completely broken away from him.

Recon

November 11, 2009

So Ed and Nancy the Whore jumped in the ancient motor home (this makes them trailer trash on some level!) and went out-of-town for the weekend.  AAGGGGHHH so I didn’t get to rid our house of his things.  But I’m going to try again this weekend =) 

I am fairly certain that both of them continue their unemployment.  In my morning drive by’s there are no lights on and in the afternoon both vehicles are parked.   I wonder what its like to sit around all day and do nothing…

Living Well

November 6, 2009

Is the Best Revenge…

As best as I can tell Ed and Nancy the Whore never actually leave the house.  I would have some VICIOUS cabin fever if it were me.  I wonder what they do locked up in there all time…. oh well.

I know that my life is better, easier, more stable and a whole lot happier than either of there’s…. and I am living well!

Under the Cloak of Night

November 5, 2009

Or pre-dawn depending on which you prefer.  This weekend I will be stealthing over to Ed and Nancy the Whore’s house to drop of the rest of his belongings.  Tonight and tomorrow afternoon I will spend time re-packing them.  I have debated long and hard the leaving of a note or a CD in with his stuff.  I think it may be more effective to mail a copy of my marriage notice when that gets published =) 

My therapist says that not telling him about the engagement and marriage was a way of enabling him to not feel the pain of my moving on.  Today I would like to twist the knife on his emotions and make him see stars and let it feel as though his stomach is jumping around in his body.

Pink

November 4, 2009

Before the “Fun House” album I never really liked Pink.  I knew in my memory banks that she sang on the Lady Marmalade Track and that she had a hit with “Get this Party Started” but I never paid much attention.

In Fun House I am tied into her music, her lyrics, the smelly parts of her divorce and that need for the other person to be suffering.  I figure I suffered with Ed and now I want him to suffer without me.  I mean really suffer.  I want him to feel the kind of pain that I experienced during our marriage.  I want him to hurt and cry and feel REAL REGRET for treating me so badly and for losing me. And most of all I want him to feel sick and sour inside his soul because he can never have me back.  Not ever…. and I’m not sure that I will be able to forgive him for all his mistakes in the last year.  Some before, but not these.