Archive for December, 2009

Go Big Red

December 30, 2009

Tonight my son will be playing at the Holiday Bowl.  His high school band will be stepping in for the college marching band that is snowed in here in Lincoln.  For my entire marriage my ex-husband lived and breathed Husker football.  I wonder where he will be tonight to watch the game, not knowing that the little boy he helped to raise is having a once in a lifetime experience.

Not a Peep

December 28, 2009

I’m feeling good about my decision to not get a present from my son for Ed.  We didn’t hear a peep out of him over the weekend, I’m not sure if his family did either.   My son is now in sunny California on a school trip having an awesome time and hopefully not missing Ed at all. 

I read the most interesting thing this morning – it was part of Dear Abby and the gist of the theory is this “people who are sick and negative attract people who are sick and negative”.  I have been spinning this around in my head most of the day and it is a pretty simple explanation of Ed and Nancy.  He is caught in his addictions and she is stuck with her terrible personality and bad decision-making.  What kind of woman wouldn’t want the man that she is with to see or even speak to his only child on Christmas Day?  It doesn’t get much sicker or negative than that!

Ed’s Family

December 23, 2009

I got an e-mail from my ex-mother-in-law last night, she was happy with the Christmas gifts from my son and sent her love.  In the mail I got a Christmas card from my ex-sister in law and a super cute picture of my niece.  I talked to my ex-step father in law on the phone and he was grateful for the efforts to keep them involved in my son’s life. 

Divorce and addiction are both sad, there is no denying it.  But what about losing the relationships with your ex’s family?  Thank God my new husband is understanding and doesn’t blame them for the failure of my first marriage but how close or detached should I be from these people?  I want them to know that I’m not angry with them but that I still cannot forgive the terrible, cruel and heartless things that their “blood” relative did to me.  He’s hurt them all badly now too so maybe that is our continuing bond.  I’m just not sure where to go with these relationships.

Secrets

December 21, 2009

We’re only as sick as our secrets.

Ok – I should totally stop with the “drive by therapy” thing but I watched the finale of Dr. Drew’s Sex Rehab last night.  Phil (the rock star) talked about how addicts are only as sick as their secrets.  This show has offered me some deeper understanding of Ed, his manipulations, and the pain that I endured under his watch.

In 2005 Ed was cleared by his surgeon as “well” and he didn’t want to be.  He dropped out of college one semester away from completing his bachelor’s,  he refused to look for work and insisted that he would be moving to Colorado, he got involved with an internet phishing scheme and lost all his common sense, he ran up credit card and cell phone debt, he hid pornography in the house and snuck out to gamble.  The entire time I was on him.  I yelled and screamed, I made empty threats and I pushed him to get his life back together.  He refused every step of the way.  We were separated for 41 months before the divorce was finalized and he spent almost all of that time lying to me.  He was as sick as his secrets.  He was hell-bent on destroying his life and he didn’t care about anyone but himself.  His addictions made him unbelievably selfish and pig-headed.  I like the idea that RECOVERY has to be selfish and that one has to put great time and effort into it.  Ed spent his time and effort on his lies and secrets and I had to leave to protect myself and my child.  It is odd to say that now that we are safely out.

Quitter

December 18, 2009

One of the things that I understand least about Ed is his long history as a quitter.  When the going gets tough Ed bails.  Completely!  When his first marriage when down the tubes he filed for a divorce and ran to Reno, when his ex-wife chased him there to give him a piece of her mind he fled to Florida and eventually came back to Nebraska.  He wouldn’t suck it up and be a parent so his first wife gave away their children.  Ed and his family have a million excuses for why he didn’t fight their relinquishment but I suspect that the real reason is because Ed had no interest or motivation to fight.  He is a quitter. 

If something is easy (eating, watching tv, surfing the internet) Ed will latch on and cling to the easiest way as though it were a life raft.  When things get challenging or Ed is confronted with his behavior he runs…. he may run to a different location, he may run to a different addiction, he may run to a different person but he cannot take the heat.

When we were in marriage counseling (he picked the counselor) he refused to return after the counselor told him that if he wanted to save his marriage he couldn’t lie to his wife.  No lying directly, no lying indirectly, not hiding anything, being completely open and vulnerable.  That was obviously too much of a commitment.  I should have finalized my divorce that week…. not 2 years later.

Christmas Decisions

December 15, 2009

I have decided not to spend any money on Ed for Christmas this year.  I strongly suspect that he will not ask to see my son or deliver a gift to him, and since I would just as soon never see him again I’m not going to call and ask.  It feels kind of weird to be doing nothing for him, and yet, empowering.  If he calls I will offer him the belongings I have been storing as his gift. 

I have also decided that I will not buy a gift for my son and tell him that its from Ed.  I never did that for his biological father so why would I do it for Ed?  When my son is older hopefully he will recognize that Ed’s alcoholism and addictive personality had nothing to do with the two of us.  I try to live a pretty conventional life and show him that and I have to pray that its working.

OMG I Finally Get It!!!

December 14, 2009

When Ed and I were dating he always used to say he would never date another addict.  When we were married he said it for the first few years and then it tapered off.  I think that what he really meant was that he would never date someone in RECOVERY because that person would hold him accountable for his program and recovery. 

I wonder how long Ed’s addictions were pushing into our lives before I recognized them.  I wonder what would have happened if I had forced his program or pushed for him to go back into treatment.  Most of all, I wonder how long he will survive with he and Nancy feeding their addictions together.  It is really sad that recovery Ed turned into pain-pill Marion and that he is throwing his life away with that piece of trash.

2 Weeks

December 11, 2009

It’s two weeks til Christmas.  Ed has seen my son less than 5 times this year.  I don’t want him to call and try to give him a Christmas present, I don’t want him to think it’s ok to drop into his life when it’s convenient for him and I don’t want my child to think it’s ok either.  What is it with men?  How can they completely forget a human being?  Ed and his mother justify this absence with Ed’s pain and loneliness.  One would think it would be more painful to LOSE a child than to have the joy of seeing them once a week… if for some reason I lost my son I would do ANYTHING to see him, even if it was for five minutes at a time.  I just don’t get it.  And as the parent who is raising him now how do I explain that Ed has picked some crazy, over the hill, whore he’s known for a year over the child he raised?  It’s a crappy position to be in!

Pity

December 9, 2009

I often find that I feel sorry for Ed… sometimes it’s because he ended up with Nancy and she beats him.  Sometimes I feel sorry for him because he has ruined his life.  Sometimes I feel sorry for him because he thinks its ok to cheat people out of money.  Sometimes because he was actually sick and he refused to get over it and be well when the doctors told him that they had healed him.  Most of the time I can’t believe I was with him…  I think that it was because I felt sorry for him and wanted him to have a better life. 

When people tell you that you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved it’s the truth!  I hung a lot of hope on Ed and all the things that I wanted him to become.  He didn’t share a similar dream so now he’s a middle-aged man, driving an almost 20-year-old car, living with an almost 60-year-old woman, in a rented love shack, by a private collage.  Pretty pathetic, no?

Where oh Where

December 7, 2009

So I’m thinking they have either broken up again or Nancy the Whore is having more out-of-state family drama…  Friday morning Ed’s car was back in front of the rental house, but Nancy’s wasn’t in the driveway.  Friday afternoon when I drove by, his car was still there and packed full of his belongings.  I didn’t have time over the weekend to drive by, however, this morning there are no cars, no tire tracks and no footprints.  (It snowed here Sunday) 

I wonder where they are going?  Are they broken up?  Relocating?  Why don’t they take the motor home with its illegal plates?  If they are together why are they traveling in two cars?  And how much longer will I have to keep his things?  I’m going to Denver in June with my new husband and my son…. I’m considering renting a u-haul towing thing to take the rest of Ed’s stuff out there.  Then it can be his mom’s problem.