We’re only as sick as our secrets.

Ok – I should totally stop with the “drive by therapy” thing but I watched the finale of Dr. Drew’s Sex Rehab last night.  Phil (the rock star) talked about how addicts are only as sick as their secrets.  This show has offered me some deeper understanding of Ed, his manipulations, and the pain that I endured under his watch.

In 2005 Ed was cleared by his surgeon as “well” and he didn’t want to be.  He dropped out of college one semester away from completing his bachelor’s,  he refused to look for work and insisted that he would be moving to Colorado, he got involved with an internet phishing scheme and lost all his common sense, he ran up credit card and cell phone debt, he hid pornography in the house and snuck out to gamble.  The entire time I was on him.  I yelled and screamed, I made empty threats and I pushed him to get his life back together.  He refused every step of the way.  We were separated for 41 months before the divorce was finalized and he spent almost all of that time lying to me.  He was as sick as his secrets.  He was hell-bent on destroying his life and he didn’t care about anyone but himself.  His addictions made him unbelievably selfish and pig-headed.  I like the idea that RECOVERY has to be selfish and that one has to put great time and effort into it.  Ed spent his time and effort on his lies and secrets and I had to leave to protect myself and my child.  It is odd to say that now that we are safely out.


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