Archive for January, 2010

I Hate Nickelback

January 29, 2010

And Hinder, and the American Idol guy that sounds like both of them… in fact, I hate all the bands that sound like Nickelback… and unfortunately I’m not sure if it’s because Ed liked them SO much or because I just hate that kind of music, or the messages that it solidifies.  Ed used to call my voicemail at work and play music that was emotionally compelling to him, and it always rubbed me the wrong way.  I can’t tell you how many times that song with
“look at this photograph” was on my voicemail while we were separated. 

Last spring when Hinder hit national popularity with that awful song about how valuable a woman is based on her ability to perform oral sex I could barely listen to the radio.    I know you were all expecting a Dr. Drew update but I’m still digesting last night’s episode.  It didn’t touch me in the same place the other episode’s did this season…

Hair Plugs

January 26, 2010

I know that’s a funny title for this post but last night I had the ODDEST dream…. My son, my mother, my second husband and I were at the Home Depot (among my favorite stores) getting something before we went out-of-town and Ed was there.  He had gotten hair plugs (he’s SUPER bald and even has that greasy bald head phenomenon) and then dyed his hair blond with dark roots and had it all spiked up.  He looked like a total dork.

I was thinking over the weekend about men who think they are cooler than they are and their efforts to impress the people around them.  Ed always tried to impress people by being macho and tough and trying to be charismatic.  Everyone has seen this guy out in public or met him at a party.  He can talk sports or music and sometimes news and weather, at first he seems nice, maybe even funny, but then you realize that below the surface there just isn’t that much.  These men generally dress a little younger than their age, they are easily distracted by cell phones, sunglasses and car keys and they care about little beyond their end of the conversation.  While he has the capability for sincerity he gave it away to his addictions… and now he’s the macho guy at the party that was fun to look at 20 years ago, and seems interesting on the surface, but it more a joke than a catch.

Dissolution

January 25, 2010

I was thinking over the weekend about the amount of hours that I put into making Ed a better person.  When he was in college I stayed up late many nights helping him to finish an assignment.  He took a class about domestic abuse that had take home tests and there were two nights that I stayed up almost all night helping him find the answers.  I nurtured and gave and did anything possible to help him out.  I was a professional enabler in my marriage but I always believed that he would get done with school, get a job and have a life.  Now – almost 5 years since I moved out – he still isn’t working and has instead been overcome by his addictions and a crazy old woman.  I wonder what happened to his dreams?  I wonder how he can just survive on the outside of a world full of life and opportunity.  I never realized how sad addiction was until I got away from it.

Putting My Foot Down

January 20, 2010

Ok – its been almost 6 months since Ed has made any effort to contact my son.  Do I need to put my foot all the way down and say that’s it?  What is the best choice for a teenager?  Do I let Ed drop in and out when ever he pleases?  (which seems to equate to when Nancy kicks him out!) Do I tell him that’s it and he can’t have contact until my son is an adult, which is about 2 and a half years away?  Do I explain to my son that Ed has given in to his addictions and that until he’s clean he won’t see him?  I feel like no matter what I do it will be the wrong decision.  I guess this is why I pay a therapist.

Why Wait?

January 19, 2010

I still don’t know why I waited so long to finalize my divorce.  I think that even though I didn’t want to be with Ed or move back in with him, that I wanted him to be productive.  If I could have imagined that he would end up in this mostly crazy, highly addicted thing with Nancy I think I might have proceeded more quickly.  I wanted a fair and amicable divorce and I wanted Ed to move forward and have a good life.  Instead he is overcome by his addictions, constantly seeking out more narcotics and probably more pornography and spending time at the casino’s.  I can only guess from the fights that I know about that the things between them are poor… I sometimes wonder if there was anything that I could have done differently, but I have to be reminded that I am not stronger than Ed’s addiction and I can’t do things for him anymore, because I have to live my life! 

I wish that he would find a career and make some good decisions for himself, but wishing is all that I can do.

Don’t Call That Love

January 18, 2010

I know that I have mentioned several times on here that I need to give up the drive thru therapy, but I have been totally smitten with Dr. Drew’s Rehab.  Sex rehab, drug and alcohol rehab, relationship rehab.  All of it! 

This week in a one-on-one session with the country music singer who was abused almost unmercifully by her ex-boyfriend, she defended him because of their love.  Dr. Drew said slowly and carefully, don’t call that love, it was power and control and it may have felt exciting, but it was abusive, you can’t call it love. 

The other hard part for me was the detox process for the bassist from Alice in Chains.  He knew what he wanted in life but the work to get there had escaped him and he felt cheated, so he wanted to be high.  Around the second day of his detox something snapped inside him.  I have totally seen Ed like this.  He was blasting angry music, refused to speak to anyone, and stomped around giving people dirty looks.  He insisted that the problem was the cameras and one of the staff but they considered transferring him out for a psychotic episode.  Detox is dirty and scary and gross and I can’t even count how many times Ed and I had to go through those behaviors.  Every day I am glad that I’m gone and that he has decided to have no contact with me.  We didn’t have love, he had this sick, weird control over me and he knew how to yank on my heart and make me feel sorry for him, and I am so very happy to be free of that!

Forget About It

January 15, 2010

 Amazingly we’ve been divorced for more than a year now.  I had planned to do something special for the anniversary of our divorce, something fun and special to me BUT it was so unimportant when it finally came that I completely forgot to even recognize the day.  This weekend some of the girls in my divorce group are going out together for some fun, I’m considering going along.  In my old life this would have caused a big stink, but in my new one, my husband supports my friendships and interests and he, quite lovingly, doesn’t expect my world to revolve around him, which is a bit of an adjustment for me, but in a good way!

Resentment

January 8, 2010

This morning at work my office mate and I discussed a woman who applauds laziness on her website.  She likes to get up, drink coffee, complain about her children, and sit around the house while her husband works.  Her kids are old enough for her to work (middle school and high school) and her husband is a laborer at a local business.  They live in a rented duplex and their cars are both more than 10 years old.  If I were her husband I would be incredibly resentful being married to someone with so little ambition and drive.  I would also spend a lot of time insisting that she do something.

She is very much like the female version of Ed, but I don’t know if she has any addictions or not.  Ed liked to get up and get Erik ready for school and then spend time watching tv and surfing the internet.  He always made it to classes (oddly he liked that) but when it came to work there was rarely a motivator that could outwin something important like television or sports statistics.  When my son and I moved out he would get up in the morning and have breakfast at the grocery store down the street and sit around and BS with people there.  Ed wants to have the perks of working his whole life while doing as little as humanly possible and it made me resent him.  When we were first married I made him work and when he was home I made him clean the house and keep up with things.  Over time he wore me down with his refusals and his illness and addictions and I stopped yelling and pushing and stewed in my resentment.  I could have taken the bull by the horns and fought him to get a life but I gave up… and sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t.   It appears that he has fallen into the same pattern with Nancy – which reinforces my belief that it was him, and not me!

Unemployment

January 6, 2010

So Ed’s mom told me that he told her he was collecting unemployment… which takes me into true/false mode because she doesn’t even know who he’s living with BUT the other big puzzle is who let him go and how is he collecting?  Almost all of Ed’s terminations have been attendance related.  He seems almost unable to grasp the idea that an employer expects you to come to work, like daily when you’re scheduled.  Any minor ailment is enough of a reason for Ed to call in.  My understanding was that to collect unemployment you had to be let go by your employer for reasons beyond your control… but then again, I’ve never been fired or tried to collect so how would I know?

Liar…Liar…Liar

January 4, 2010

I talked to my ex-mother-in-law last night.  She reported that Ed was there for Thanksgiving so that solves part of that mystery.  He lied to her face while he was there and told her that he wasn’t living with Nancy the Whore anymore.  I’m having a hard time putting my head around this entire situation. 

#1 – what is so wrong with this woman that he has to lie to the people in his family about his relationship with her?

#2 – what will happen when she finds out that she is this tremendous secret in his life?

#3 – what can the two of them possibly be gaining in this situation?

I still think that Ed is with Nancy the Whore because of her inheritance, however, as much of a control freak as she is I would think that she would insist on being public knowledge with his family, especially since he spent part of the holidays with them.  The whole thing is absolutely mind-boggling.  What kind of woman is ok with a man who sponges off her and refuses to let anyone know of her existence??? Sick – the whole thing is sick!