I Gotta Go

I of COURSE had to watch Dr. Drew last night… he had a conversation at the end of the show with Tom Sizemore and his girlfriend Monroe.  Sizemore wanted his girlfriend to take him home.  His excuse to Dr. Drew was that he wanted to take a break and come back… and Drew called him on the carpet and said “I gotta go always means I gotta use.” 

I thought a lot about Ed and I gotta go.  I thought about all the times that things got too tough and instead of being a man he packed up and ran.  When I wanted him to get a job he would fight and make a million excuses that took more energy than even applying for a job.  After I moved out he would call and beg me to come back to our apartment because he missed me, etc.  The minute that I asked him to be accountable for his behavior he had to go.  He missed having someone to control and someone who would enable him.  For so many years I wanted Ed to have an easier road but the problem was that the easier road was good for him in his recovery and TERRIBLE for him when he was allowing his addictions to mandate his actions.

So many times in the last few weeks I have wanted to call or text Ed and say “this is enough you have to make arrangements to get your things”.  And at the same time I am terrified that he is too high to grasp the magnitude of his choices and failures.  I just don’t know what direction I should be taking!

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