Archive for April, 2010

You Might Lose Your Lunch

April 29, 2010

I know, I know, leave the Facebook thing alone – after all, I am 23 years younger than the old dirty hag but seriously – if this is what you look like… keep it to yourself!  She is more gap toothed than I remember – maybe when I drop off Ed’s stuff I should leave her a big tub of wrinkle cream =) 

She reminds me of one of the crazy women on Cops =)  you know the one who yells at the cop and mouths off and has to touch up her eye liner and lipstick before she’ll let them take her in.  She also makes me think of a female version of Dog the Bounty Hunter – what with the wrinkles and sunspots.  I bet if we bleached her hair out they could be cousins!

Nancy Ruwe

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Love Is a Choice Part I

April 28, 2010

I heard something a few weeks ago that gave me pause.  The exact statement was “Love is a choice, not a feeling.” 

Just chew on it for a minute.  We choose to love someone.  We guide our feelings and we designate love within them.  I love my new husband.  I love my son.  I love my mother.  I still want to sell my mother-in-law on Craigslist but I’m trying hard to work through that.

If we choose to love someone then how or when do we choose to stop loving them?  I stopped liking Ed a long time before I stopped taking care of him.  He was mean, overbearing, a total loser, he had control issues and he expected to do as little as possible to get by.  Why would I choose to love someone like that?  In what ways did he influence my choices?   And, why on earth, when I knew I didn’t want to be there, did I choose to let it all drag on for so long?

Empty Threats

April 26, 2010

Over the last 14 months there have been thousands of times where I have thought about funny revenge for Ed and Nancy the Whore.  I have felt angry that he cheated me, angry that she thinks she can be nasty to me, angry that I tried to help him while he was running around with her and angry that I wasn’t smart enough to figure it out. 

This morning, about 15 minutes ago, I received a call from a collection agency.  They have several medical accounts for Ed.  I informed them that Ed was my ex-husband… they asked me to verify the date of my divorce, I was happy to do so =)  They asked if I had current contact information.  I told them I didn’t have a phone number but I had an address and I had Nancy the Whore’s phone number.  He took both gladly, and thanked me for my help. 

Take note ladies never, ever, ever call and threaten your boyfriend’s ex-wife.  If she has any brains at all she will keep your phone number, and she will give it out willingly to people who are looking for him for money….  hahahhahahahaha… oh the belly laughs that we will have today…. hahahahahahahahahaha

Parasite

April 22, 2010

Ed sucks the life out of things.  Exactly like a parasite.  I went on a scouting event over the weekend, and I came home with two ticks… and they made me think of him.  They want a free ride, they take your life blood and they will stick around either until they are full or you pull them off your body and flush them down the toilet… seems about the same to me.

Happy Hour

April 14, 2010

I find myself drinking a lot more lately.  Sunday night I had three beers with dinner and I didn’t think twice about it.  A few weeks ago we had friends over and I had 5 or 6 drinks in 4 hours.  In celebration of spring break I had at least one drink every single day, some days I had two, just for good measure.  While this may seem insignificant to some I spent a long time as a two drinks a week girl.  I had a glass of wine at dinner at my mother’s house each night of the weekend.  occasionally I would go out with friends and really tie one on, and for a very short time I was your average 21-year-old who would drink for any and every occasion. 

Looking at things this far removed from Ed I wonder if drinking was like other things.  I had a lot of GUILT about myself when I was with him.  If I did well in class by myself it was sad because he needed help.  If he couldn’t find a job it was sad because I’ve always been so easily hired.  (Obviously some of this boils down to his lack of work ethic.)  I once said to someone that I felt guilty about drinking in front of Ed because I felt like it was rubbing his nose in his addiction.  Little did I know that his addiction was working its way out at an alarming rate and making him into someone I didn’t know and couldn’t stand to be around.  You would think that after I saw with his addictions that I would be afraid of my own…. and maybe in some ways I am.  But honestly, it feels so nice to do what I want, when I want to that I’m still adjusting.  And drinking is just the tip of the iceberg.

Big Dreams

April 5, 2010

I talked to my ex-mother in law yesterday.  Happy Easter right?  She is still such a nice person…. outside of Ed’s addictions I cannot tell you what else went wrong in his life. 

His mom told me about her plans to be done with the her next stage of school in a year (she’s in her early 60’s) and her thoughts about grad school or becoming a nurse practitioner.  She has always worked.  Always.  Sometimes 3 jobs.   His dad owned his own shop for years and was recruited as an import specialty mechanic several times throughout his career.  He was a “functional” alcoholic for many years. 

Both of Ed’s siblings work, and they always have.  He seems to be the odd duck in many ways.  His sister is the only one without any substance abuse problems.  When Ed was in recovery he had big dreams… and I was willing to stand behind him while he made his way into them.  Then his pills got in the way, and I can honestly say, looking back, that I think they got in the way within 6 months of us getting married… and I stayed all those years and watched… it’s just really sickening.  

My big dreams were put on hold.  Now, I’m finally almost done with school and I just feel like so much time and effort were wasted that I can never get back.  I want my future to mean so much more than my past!