Happy Hour

I find myself drinking a lot more lately.  Sunday night I had three beers with dinner and I didn’t think twice about it.  A few weeks ago we had friends over and I had 5 or 6 drinks in 4 hours.  In celebration of spring break I had at least one drink every single day, some days I had two, just for good measure.  While this may seem insignificant to some I spent a long time as a two drinks a week girl.  I had a glass of wine at dinner at my mother’s house each night of the weekend.  occasionally I would go out with friends and really tie one on, and for a very short time I was your average 21-year-old who would drink for any and every occasion. 

Looking at things this far removed from Ed I wonder if drinking was like other things.  I had a lot of GUILT about myself when I was with him.  If I did well in class by myself it was sad because he needed help.  If he couldn’t find a job it was sad because I’ve always been so easily hired.  (Obviously some of this boils down to his lack of work ethic.)  I once said to someone that I felt guilty about drinking in front of Ed because I felt like it was rubbing his nose in his addiction.  Little did I know that his addiction was working its way out at an alarming rate and making him into someone I didn’t know and couldn’t stand to be around.  You would think that after I saw with his addictions that I would be afraid of my own…. and maybe in some ways I am.  But honestly, it feels so nice to do what I want, when I want to that I’m still adjusting.  And drinking is just the tip of the iceberg.

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