Archive for May, 2010

Hit List

May 24, 2010

So Ed and Nancy and whoever they shared the information with have been hitting my blog pretty regularly.  I wasn’t sure at first what to do with that knowledge.  Would I tell them what I thought of both them?  Lay bare everything else that I know?  But I decided this is still my journal.  Even though I have a lot to say about the two of them, it is ultimately about me. 

In one week my son will be driving…. pretty wild to think about.  When I met Ed my “baby” was still in diapers and Ed would take care of him in the evenings while I went to class.  Ed spent a lot of years as a really great dad, and then he just walked away.  He can make any and every excuse that he wants, but the truth is that he couldn’t take time to see my son last year on his birthday and since that time he has only taken the opportunity to see him three times.  He didn’t even bother to call and say Merry Christmas.   A week ago I got e-mail’s from Ed about how sorry he was for the terrible things that he did to me… maybe he’s sorry, and maybe he’s not.  I suspect that he’s not happy that his choices landed him in his current situation, but really, those were his choices.  I begged him to be the person he was all those years ago and instead he chose pornography, gambling, prescription medications and a nearly destitute life with a woman who hates him more than she loves him.  It’s never what I would have chosen for Ed, but ultimately, he is the one who made the decision.

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A Clarification of Purpose

May 17, 2010

Since my readership has increased dramatically over the last few days I feel it is important to again clarify the purpose of this blog.

This is my personal journal, it happens to be electronically published.  It has a readership among other women who have escaped from abusive relationships.  I am finally happily married, however, I spent 9 years being physically abused and 13 years being emotionally and verbally abused by Ed.  Even after I left him he spent all hours of the day and night screaming at me, threatening me, leaving abusive voice mails and alternating between promising to love me forever and promising to strangle me.  (For those who haven’t read through the archives, each time that Ed and Nancy break up he makes all efforts to force himself back in to my life!)  All those years of anguish are not simply erased by having a new and happy life.  There is still long-term pain and trauma from what I endured during my marriage to Ed.  This blog is a way to get out what I went through.   

Every posting in this blog is the truth as I know it.  When I make assumptions about things that I cannot verify,  I clearly say that I suspect or I am guessing about something going on in Ed and Nancy’s life.  I know what Ed did to me, I know that he and Nancy have assaulted each other, I saw the damage. 

Here is the link on domestic abuse from the Lincoln Rape and Spouse Abuse Crisis Center http://www.voicesofhopelincoln.org/resources/domestic_violence.html?PHPSESSID=37baa000df5ba1ed15df35801dc992ab knowing where Ed is living is a way to protect myself and my son from being taken off guard and possibly fatally harmed.  My ex-husband is a loose cannon and that is no secret to the people who know him.  I have spoken to the staff at the Spouse Abuse Crisis Center regularly over the years and they are aware of the things that Ed did to me.  I have also saved all of the threatening voice mails that he has felt compelled to leave me over the last 5 years and both Ed’s attorney and my attorney have records of requests from me to obtain a restraining order that were dropped because of Ed’s Jekyll and Hyde personality.  

This is a record of my thoughts, feelings and experiences, none of which are criminal.  No one is being forced to read this, so if you find it bothersome, I would encourage you to not read it.

Poverty and Technology

May 16, 2010

Ed has this thing with cell phones.  They are a “lifeline” of sorts.  He always thinks he has to have one and he is generally willing to pay for features that he either doesn’t need or doesn’t know how to use.

There was a study released on Friday reporting that people below the poverty level are obsessed with technology like cell phones and HDTV and they see it as a status symbol.  That totally clicked for me.  Ed has bad debt with at least three cellular carriers in the community and yet the minute that he gets one cut off, he runs out and buys a new cell phone from another one.  He also has to have the gambit of accessories, multiple chargers and a holster.  All for what you ask?  So that he can further inflate his idea of being cool. 

See I’ve been wondering, what does a cell phone say about a person?  Does it say that they are important?  Not really, maybe if they use it for work, but then a lot of people use it for work.  Does it say that they have friends?  Not really, anyone can have a cell phone, some of the most introverted people I know have a cell phone.  Does it say that the person carrying it has money?  With the new cell phone plans ANYONE can have a phone.  So see really, in the new world, where EVERYONE has a cell phone and can have one there is nothing special about them.  The technology has become an affordable commodity for the general public.  While Ed may need his phone to feel “special” or “privileged”  the truth is that he is just meeting the standard for his peer group!

Happy Birthday Old Man

May 12, 2010

Ed is 45 years old today… for most people this is young.  With the way Ed has abused his body he looks old…. much older than he actually is, and that’s the outside, I can’t imagine how old he looks on the inside.   I noticed on my way in between work sites this afternoon that he was at the library, which generally means he has lost a job AGAIN and is looking for another one.  Who knows the reason this time.  I will forever suspect that its related to attendance, but I have no proof.  I thought this morning that it would have been fun to have left his things behind his car as his birthday present this year, or to mail him a birthday card at his new address to let him know that I know.  Truly he is just a sad old man…. with nothing to show for his life.  He has an almost 20-year-old car that is falling apart, he’s living in a rental house with a hag of a girlfriend, he gave up his biological children because he couldn’t afford to fight for them and he gave up my son to feed his addictions. 

When I met Ed he was 30, he had his whole life ahead of him really.  He was clean,  he had a life, a plan, the possibility of a great future.  And now here he is, 15 years later.  Old, fat, bald, missing more teeth than he has left and in a relationship with an old, fat, freak who beats on him…. I could never have imagined that long ago that this is where he would be today.

Love Is a Choice Part II

May 3, 2010

I’ve been thinking more about Love is a Choice.  If it is your individual choice,  can you be “lobbied” to make a decision.  Even though love is a choice, can someone in effect make you love them OR can they make you believe that you are their lifeline?  If there are psychiatrists and psychologists who believe that you can be emotionally blackmailed can you similarly be bullied into a commitment?

The day that Ed and I got married I wanted to pull out.  Similarly, before we were married, about a month after we’d been living together I wanted to get away.  He was a total control freak and I fell right into his lap!  I like to think I was young and stupid, and I believe there was really a period in time that I thought I could change him and make him into a better person.  His family had the same faith that I could do it.  Once I realized how bad things were I went through a pattern of things to get him to leave me.  I was trying hard to choose not to love him and he would draw me back in.  He knew my secrets, he took care of my son, I had made him deals about school and work and he convinced me that I was the one who wasn’t holding up my end of the deal.  

When I look back on it I can agree that I was abused.  Verbally, physically, emotionally.  But I can’t believe how deeply the hooks were planted in me.  And I honestly can’t believe how hard it was for me to leave and be done, all those years after I had made the choice without his influence to not love him.