Archive for June, 2010

And I Wonder

June 28, 2010

So, as best as I can tell, Ed and Nancy are really done this time.  His car has been absent from her place for nearly a month.  I know that Ed still has a lot of resentments against me, and he totally hates this blog.  But then, as you know from reading it, there are a lot of things that I hate and resent about him too. 

Over the weekend I thought about how things could have been different for Ed.  I always saw him as a ball of potential and I think he saw himself as a man waiting for his ship to come in.  I have mentioned before that Ed wants the moon, but he hasn’t been willing to do the work to get the things that he wants and he would rather cheat and use people to get those things.  I wonder how things went on a day-to-day basis with he and Nancy, I know from his talks with me that she wasn’t willing to “share” her inheritance with him but he must have thought he would be able to convince her differently.

I also thought about Ed’s opportunity in his current world.  You see, Ed is young, he’s 45 this year, which for most people is almost at the middle of the lifespan, 20 years from retirement.  But Ed has abused his body with prescription drugs, poor food choices, alcohol, and since I left, an absence of healthcare.  On the outside, he looks closer to 60, at least the last time I saw him.  I wonder if he has actually shortened his life, and sometimes I worry about the phone ringing to tell me that he has been found dead somewhere.

I know that people who are attached to addicts and alcoholics worry about that their entire lives.  And now, divorced, remarried, and well on my way to getting all the things that I dreamed about, I worry about someday having to tell my son that Ed is gone and wondering, if there were things that I could have done differently from the very beginning to change the way that things turned out.

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And Then It Was a Year

June 23, 2010

It hit me a little before I went to bed Sunday night (Father’s Day) that it had been a year since Ed made time to see my son.  A year.  The little boy that he helped raise.  The one he helped potty train.  The one he raced to the car after the first day of kindergarten.  The one he taught to throw and hit a baseball.  The one who learned all about college football at his knee.

I still have a hard time accepting that he has abandoned my son.  I know, it’s not Ed, it’s the drugs, but it’s still hard for me to believe.  I really knew Recovery Ed.   I really knew that person and all the things that he could be and do.  But Pain Pill Marion?  I hoped I would never have to see that person and now he’s done terrible things in my life, and my son’s life…. and I know it’s better for my son to not see him like this.  But I also know how bad he feels knowing that Ed has no interest in him and hasn’t made any effort, for a year.

The Three R’s

June 18, 2010

I had a fun conversation with a good friend recently.  She bumped into Ed and he decided to lay the blame for all the bad things in his life on me, but what the heck, I’ve got broad shoulders I can take it.  One of the things that he said was that I couldn’t let him go.  But see, I have let him go.  I haven’t spoken to him since October.  I haven’t called him since September and that was after I scraped him off the streets and sent him to his mom.  And, even though I have “let him go” I’m still working on my own closure.  My first marriage was a DOOZY and it won’t be an overnight fix.  I have moved on to a new life, but that doesn’t erase all those bad things.

So here it is… my greatest wish for Ed is for the three R’s =) 

1 – Respect – for the sacrifices that I made and for all the time and effort I put in helping him reach his dreams.  He didn’t get through college on his own and I saved his life when he was sick.  I respect him for the time that he spent raising my son, he can respect what I did for him.  He can also respect me enough to apologize for lying about his relationship with Nancy while I was helping him with bills while he got established with his new job.

2 – Remorse – This is closely tied to respect, but I do want Ed to feel remorseful for the things that he did to me.  I was abused, I was controlled, threatened, chastised and otherwise mistreated.  At the end of the time that we were living together he was lying and sneaking around about any number of things that he knew he shouldn’t be doing.  In 2000 I made terrible mistakes that nearly destroyed our marriage but I was remorseful and I made every effort that I could think of to get our lives back on track.  I did the crime and I did the time.

3 – Rehabilitation – I really want Ed to find a program.  Inpatient, outpatient, detox, methadone clinic, 12 steps, I really don’t care what it is.  But at this point he is nearly destitute, and while I know that it isn’t my fault, and I have no control over the bad decisions he is making it really does break my heart, because I knew what he could be and I don’t want the addictions to take that person away forever, these 5 years have been long enough.

Sometimes Life Isn’t Fair

June 16, 2010

I am having a very down day today.  I’m not sure if I’m over tired, over worked or under appreciated.  I get this thing sometimes that I call “Little Red Hen” syndrome.  I just feel used and taken advantage of and the whole world just feels unfair.  I can usually work my way out of it but today I just feel like I need a good cry, and the alignment of the planets seems like it is out of sorts with my personal chakra. 

Maybe I need some yoga… or cocktails.

If I were still with Ed, tonight would be a major storm.  He wanted me to sooth him but would scream at me if I needed soothing…. hopefully, God willing, tomorrow will be better!

Equal Treatment

June 15, 2010

Ed and Nancy’s relationship and the on again, off again nature of their interactions and treatment of each other continues to puzzle me.  If Ed and I were still together this spring, then his birthday present would have been tickets to the Goo Goo Dolls.  In fact, to be honest, if he would have done the leg work to have a relationship with my son, he would have gotten the same present.  When I heard about the date that they were playing, the closeness to his birthday and his well-known love of the band it seemed like the perfect gift.  With Nancy’s affection for the casino’s I was certain this would be what they would do to celebrate.  From what I could tell, this wasn’t how they celebrated. 

I always tried to do things that Ed would enjoy to try to make him happy… and after all those years it didn’t really get me anything.  (Refer back to some of the earlier posts about my inability to make people happy and how you have to be happy with yourself.)  Ed and Nancy don’t get along well at all.  That really can’t be argued.  And I have wondered, for both sides, if it’s because they just don’t care about the other person being happy.

Love Drunk/Hungover

June 4, 2010

Music continues to have an impact =)

I used to be love drunk
But now I’m hungover
I love you forever
Forever is over
We used to kiss all night
Now it’s just a barfight
So just call me crazy
Say hello then goodbye

My very favorite chorus:

All the time I wasted on you
All the bullshit you put me through
I’m checking into rehab
Cause everything that we had
Didn’t mean a thing to you

Those simple words have amazing impact and that is EXACTLY where I was when I moved out of the home that Ed and I shared…. 5 years ago today.

Vows

June 1, 2010

Over the weekend I went to the wedding of a dear friend and the love of his life.  He was very emotional and nervous so Saturday we spent the day with him up until the ceremony.  It made me think about the differences between my first marriage and my second marriage.

I made some huge mistakes in my marriage to Ed… and when I did I came clean and I tried hard to resolve the situation and to make amends to him for what I had done.  Sometimes he saw it and sometimes he didn’t, and I couldn’t control his emotions about my actions.  During the last year that we lived together I was fully committed to taking care of Ed (he was REALLY REALLY sick for a while) and keeping him alive.  At the end of his illness he seemed lost and miserable.  Instead of celebrating being alive and making it through all the months of illness and disease he seemed disappointed to no longer be the center of attention, to stop needing medical intervention and to be able to get on with his life.  I was completely miffed.  I will admit that there were times when Ed was sick that I lost my patience… but in the end he received excellent care and I paid a MINT to get him better. 

We picked our vows carefully.  I promised at our wedding to love, to provide for, to care about, to do what it took.  And for years I gave until I had nothing left to offer…. and now… I’m re-married to a man who isn’t even sure how to take what I have to give, who spends all his time giving to me, the way that I gave to Ed and I’m left almost frightened that I will drain him, the way that Ed drained me, and that when he is empty, he’ll leave the way that I did.