Vows

Over the weekend I went to the wedding of a dear friend and the love of his life.  He was very emotional and nervous so Saturday we spent the day with him up until the ceremony.  It made me think about the differences between my first marriage and my second marriage.

I made some huge mistakes in my marriage to Ed… and when I did I came clean and I tried hard to resolve the situation and to make amends to him for what I had done.  Sometimes he saw it and sometimes he didn’t, and I couldn’t control his emotions about my actions.  During the last year that we lived together I was fully committed to taking care of Ed (he was REALLY REALLY sick for a while) and keeping him alive.  At the end of his illness he seemed lost and miserable.  Instead of celebrating being alive and making it through all the months of illness and disease he seemed disappointed to no longer be the center of attention, to stop needing medical intervention and to be able to get on with his life.  I was completely miffed.  I will admit that there were times when Ed was sick that I lost my patience… but in the end he received excellent care and I paid a MINT to get him better. 

We picked our vows carefully.  I promised at our wedding to love, to provide for, to care about, to do what it took.  And for years I gave until I had nothing left to offer…. and now… I’m re-married to a man who isn’t even sure how to take what I have to give, who spends all his time giving to me, the way that I gave to Ed and I’m left almost frightened that I will drain him, the way that Ed drained me, and that when he is empty, he’ll leave the way that I did.

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