And I Wonder

So, as best as I can tell, Ed and Nancy are really done this time.  His car has been absent from her place for nearly a month.  I know that Ed still has a lot of resentments against me, and he totally hates this blog.  But then, as you know from reading it, there are a lot of things that I hate and resent about him too. 

Over the weekend I thought about how things could have been different for Ed.  I always saw him as a ball of potential and I think he saw himself as a man waiting for his ship to come in.  I have mentioned before that Ed wants the moon, but he hasn’t been willing to do the work to get the things that he wants and he would rather cheat and use people to get those things.  I wonder how things went on a day-to-day basis with he and Nancy, I know from his talks with me that she wasn’t willing to “share” her inheritance with him but he must have thought he would be able to convince her differently.

I also thought about Ed’s opportunity in his current world.  You see, Ed is young, he’s 45 this year, which for most people is almost at the middle of the lifespan, 20 years from retirement.  But Ed has abused his body with prescription drugs, poor food choices, alcohol, and since I left, an absence of healthcare.  On the outside, he looks closer to 60, at least the last time I saw him.  I wonder if he has actually shortened his life, and sometimes I worry about the phone ringing to tell me that he has been found dead somewhere.

I know that people who are attached to addicts and alcoholics worry about that their entire lives.  And now, divorced, remarried, and well on my way to getting all the things that I dreamed about, I worry about someday having to tell my son that Ed is gone and wondering, if there were things that I could have done differently from the very beginning to change the way that things turned out.

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