Archive for August, 2010

Support Systems

August 20, 2010

When things were bad in my marriage and Ed was at his worst I was really embarrassed and afraid of what people would think of me for staying with someone who was so terrible for me.  In the beginning I really believed that Ed wanted to be a better person and that with some education, training, and time in the work force he would grow up and be reasonable and responsible.

As I was coming out of our marriage I realized that there were still plenty of people who loved and cared about me.  And even more that had been praying, watching me feel bad, but waiting until I was ready to ask for help.   Yesterday when I was mowing I thought about the number of people who told me they knew how long it had been since I was happy. 

I have an awesome support system, people who love and care and are willing and able to help with any project or challenge I come across.  Ed’s support system has shrunk.  Dramatically.  When we met he was actively involved in his recovery and he had people who would have done anything for him.  I know, I was one of them.  In his current state, with Nancy the Whore, the drugs, the gambling, the lies he has told to friends and family to protect his addictions his circle has grown smaller and smaller.  And now, there is almost no support to keep him going, which I suspect makes him even more abusive than the terrible man he became before I left.

15 Years

August 16, 2010

I met Ed a little more than 15 years ago.  Doesn’t that seem unbelievable?  I was thinking over the weekend what I could have done in 15 years instead.  One of the greatest regrets I have from our relationship was getting Ed through school first.  I wish that I would have realized early on that education wouldn’t change his work ethic.

In 15 years I could have gotten through a doctoral program and right now I could be working as a research scientist or a forensic anthropologist.  I could have gone to nursing school and be working on a master’s to be a nurse practitioner or a CRNA.  I could have invested more in my retirement account and be way ahead of the game.  I could have bought a house and I would be halfway through my 30 year loan, instead of 1 year into it.  Instead, I am three payments away from being done with the debt from my first marriage.  I paid out a lot for Ed, time, money, effort, care.  He took care of my son, but I could have had a nanny for less money in the long-term.  I have always been a hard worker, this point in my life is no different. 

I’m meeting with the graduation advisor today to find out where I’m at with school.  Not only is it hard to believe that I met Ed so long ago, it’s also hard to believe that less than two years since my divorce was finalized I’ll be through my first leg of college.  It’s amazing how much I have accomplished without Ed in my life, especially after he worked so hard to convince me that I could never live without him.

In the End

August 13, 2010

There is nothing… five points to whoever knows which cheesy movie this is from =)

Over the weekend, while waiting for laundry to come out of the dryer, I watched 30 minutes of the most bizarre movie.  There was a woman who was married to a man addicted to drugs, pornography and video games.   The woman decided to seduce her husband’s best friend (coincidentally her ex-boyfriend) and the two of them developed a plot to murder her husband and collect on his millions.  As the story progresses the viewer is given the illusion that the husband isn’t really dead, because the poison they used only made him appear clinically dead.  It was really very confusing.

The part that touched me though were the sensations experienced by the wife after his death.  She went back and forth, experiencing first relief, then fear.  Anger at the life she had led while trapped by him and his addictions, confusion as to what she should do next.  After all that she had been through, she was happy to be free of him, his control and his rage, but at the same time, sickly lost because she had been unable to live for so long. 

I wonder if that is what I looked like on the outside after we separated.  Uncaged, but afraid.  Free, but tentative.  Not sure who to trust, where to look, not really sure if it would be safe going forward.  Having been ultimately betrayed and climbing back out I still feel guarded and I still long to be the person I was before I met Ed.  The person who lived freely, and loved openly, and wasn’t afraid of the dark things lurking around the edges.

It was REALLY sad

August 2, 2010

When Ed and I were married we were always waiting for news that his father would be very ill and maybe not make it.  2 months ago my dad went into the hospital for a routine surgical procedure.  The problem was that he was septic at admission. 

While on vacation I received a call that things were taking a turn for the worse and he wouldn’t make it.  We packed up and flew to Florida to say goodbye.  It was an unbelievably hard few days, but I made it through and my dad passed away Wednesday 7/28/2010.

I have mentioned on this blog before that I married someone like my dad in the hopes that I could get different results.  The last two days I spent with my dad were in some ways cleansing, we didn’t work out our issues but I told him that I loved him and I provided whatever he needed.  Before I got to Florida, I dreamt that it was Ed who was dying instead and I was stressed because ,in my dream, I had to plan for his service and his end of life care.  I’m sure it was just some kind of transference since the two are so much alike but it was sad, and heart breaking and painful, that in the end, there wouldn’t be enough people to care about him.