In the End

There is nothing… five points to whoever knows which cheesy movie this is from =)

Over the weekend, while waiting for laundry to come out of the dryer, I watched 30 minutes of the most bizarre movie.  There was a woman who was married to a man addicted to drugs, pornography and video games.   The woman decided to seduce her husband’s best friend (coincidentally her ex-boyfriend) and the two of them developed a plot to murder her husband and collect on his millions.  As the story progresses the viewer is given the illusion that the husband isn’t really dead, because the poison they used only made him appear clinically dead.  It was really very confusing.

The part that touched me though were the sensations experienced by the wife after his death.  She went back and forth, experiencing first relief, then fear.  Anger at the life she had led while trapped by him and his addictions, confusion as to what she should do next.  After all that she had been through, she was happy to be free of him, his control and his rage, but at the same time, sickly lost because she had been unable to live for so long. 

I wonder if that is what I looked like on the outside after we separated.  Uncaged, but afraid.  Free, but tentative.  Not sure who to trust, where to look, not really sure if it would be safe going forward.  Having been ultimately betrayed and climbing back out I still feel guarded and I still long to be the person I was before I met Ed.  The person who lived freely, and loved openly, and wasn’t afraid of the dark things lurking around the edges.

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