Archive for September, 2010

A Blast From the Past

September 30, 2010

“You Oughta Know”

I want you to know, that I’m happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theatre
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I’m sure she’d make a really excellent mother

’cause the love that you gave that we made wasn’t able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you’d hold me
Until you died, till you died
But you’re still alive

And I’m here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It’s not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I’m not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her?

’cause the love that you gave that we made wasn’t able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you’d hold me
Until you died, til you died
But you’re still alive

And I’m here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It’s not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

’cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me
And I’m not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else’s back
I hope you feel it…well can you feel it

Well, I’m here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It’s not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

This song came out the year that I met Ed, there are many nuances within it that describe how things were at the end of our marriage and the beginning of his relationship with Nancy the Whore.  I still have no final closure.  I’m still storing his crap.  I spent 5 years after I left cleaning up his messes.  I’m still pissed as hell about the ways that I was abused and mistreated! 

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Poor Baby

September 28, 2010

So it appears that the more things change, the more they stay the same.  Ed called my mom the other night to ask her to ask me to stop writing in my blog.  Of no surprise, my emotions are an inconvenience in his life.  All I have ever wanted from Ed secondary to the Nancy situation is:

#1 – an honest and sincere apology – Ed owes me an apology – a huge one, for his lies and his abuse.  And until that happens and he can act remorseful for his behavior and be accountable for the things that he has done and the lies that he has told NONE of my feelings about him will change. (Journals are about feelings!)

#2 – repayment for the money that I paid toward his bills once he was dating Nancy – $800 per month for the period of October 2008 through March 2009 – that is $4800.  If Nancy has buckets of cash sitting around and she LOVES Ed enough to pay his bills than she can pay on his old debt.  I spent most of my marriage paying his bills, its good he has someone else to pay them now.

 I would like to remind Ed and Nancy again – that this blog is my journal and they have the OPTION to read it or not.  There is no identifying information about either of them =) If they weren’t such rotten people, then I wouldn’t have anything bad to say about them.  In the immortal words of Carolyn Manzo from the Real Housewives of New Jersey “when you hang around with garbage, you end up smelling like trash!”

On the Down Low

September 23, 2010

I have been thinking the last few days about the significance of Nancy the Whore being a secret.  And wondering why Ed is so ashamed of her.  I mean obviously she’s a toad and a half, but it’s not like it’s the first ugly girl he’s ever had sex with.  No really.  His first wife was a dog.  She still has a mullet!

Is it the age thing?  I mean right now Cougars are all the rage, but I thought the intent was to get a “hot” cougar.  Not one covered in wrinkles, age spots and with a visible mustache. 

Is she a secret because of her history of abuse?  I can’t imagine that anyone would be proud of being with someone who lost their license for abusing the clients that they were hired to protect.

Is it the money?  Ed worked hard to make me aware that Nancy had a pot full of money from losing her dad.  But it isn’t like his family is suffering for cash.  Maybe he knew that she is selfish and greedy and didn’t want to let them know that he was with someone who didn’t care for others. 

It’s hard to know why she is a secret and why his return to her abuse was a secret.  I think the entire thing is pretty sick and pathetic… but maybe Ed has given up hope in this life, and faith in himself, and Nancy the Whore is the amount of work that he feels comfortable with for the time being.  All I can say is EWWWWWWW =)

Achievements

September 21, 2010

In spite of Ed and his nonsense, my son has continued to do well.  He has goals, dreams and enough energy for three teenage boys.

This fall he will receive his academic letter and he continues to play football, perform in the band and varsity choir and participate in countless school, scout and church activities.  It has been 2 years since Ed took the time to see him play football.

When we were married and even when we were separated Ed talked about the importance of being there for a child.  Attending concerts, games, performances.  Letting your child know that you loved them by supporting and cheering for them at any opportunity.

Now, while my little boys achievements are growing and becoming more remarkable, the man who acted as his father for all those years has fallen off the planet.  Which means that I yell louder, cheer harder and try to celebrate even more.  It is a terrible thing to walk away from a child!

Tunes

September 9, 2010

It’s funny to me how much I notice lyrics anymore.  The other day driving home I heard King of Anything by Sara Bareilles and the words were perfect.

“Keep drinking coffee, stare me down across the table
While I look outside
So many things I’d say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet and count the cars that pass by

You’ve got opinions, man
We’re all entitled to ‘em, but I never asked
So let me thank you for your time, and try not to waste anymore of mine
And get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe, but I’m not drowning
There’s no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

You sound so innocent, all full of good intent
Swear you know best
But you expect me to jump up on board with you
And ride off into your delusional sunset

I’m not the one who’s lost with no direction
But you’ll never see

You’re so busy making maps with my name on them in all caps
You got the talking down, just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

All my life I’ve tried to make everybody happy
While I just hurt and hide
Waiting for someone to tell me it’s my turn to decide

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

Let me hold your crown, babe.”

When I was with Ed I became a shadow of myself.  Ed expected to rule and own me, control what I did in all circumstances and bully me with words and fists into his version of compliance.  I was trained pretty well by the time that I left, and I’m still working hard to get back to where I was all those years ago.

Nightmares

September 7, 2010

Over the weekend my mom had terrible nightmares about Ed.  I haven’t had any for a while now, so it seemed strange to me that she was haunted by him from time to time.  In her dream, we were all in a ballet studio getting ready for a recital (no idea who we were there to see) when Ed came into the front lobby with a gun and took everyone hostage.  There were screaming ballerina’s everywhere and he was screaming that he would kill every person in the building to get to me.  There was terrible chaos and commotion and then my mom woke up.  I have had bad dreams about Ed but never that he would harm large numbers of people to cause me harm and pain.  But I guess anything is possible.

Stability

September 3, 2010

It’s funny sometimes to have the life of a normal adult.  I waited years and years for Ed to gain some stability in his life.  And I really believed that one day, he would go in the right direction and be successful.  Many times I was his only cheerleader.  My brief encounters with Nancy the Whore lead me to believe she’s not the cheerleading type.  More like the angry stage mother, she screams, belittles and manipulates her way in the world and expects to be handed what she wants. 

Yesterday I saw a video about a local substance abuse program and all the good things that can happen in people’s lives after treatment.  It made me want Ed to go back to treatment again.  I imagined the opportunities for him, and the ways that he could change the world, and I mourned the suffering addict again.