Archive for October, 2010

Speaking of Liars

October 27, 2010

I posted a little more than a week ago about Ed’s position that my blog is nothing but lies.  I understand that even though his addiction has taken over his life, he is embarrassed/ashamed by his actions and doesn’t want the world to know.  I did things during our marriage that I’m not proud of either.

This week I have received calls from both his physician’s office and the company responsible for collecting his student loan debt.  Neither are able to get a hold of him.  Ed has completely defaulted on his student loans to the tune of $36,000.  And the government will never stop looking for that money! 

Both companies are unable to get mailed communication to him, and the last phone numbers they have are either disconnected or the voicemail message is in Spanish.  They are using the same address that I have so either Ed and Nancy are broken up, which would be good for Ed in the long run, or they are sending the mail back to the sender.  Which is disgusting – and ethically disturbing.  I pray every day that Ed will go back to treatment and get his life back on track.  And I thank God that we got out before my son had to see him fall so far!

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REM

October 19, 2010

Hello, I saw you, I know you, I knew you
I think I can remember your name…name
Hello I’m sorry, I lost myself
I think I thought you were someone else

Should we talk about the weather? (Hi…hi, hi)
Should we talk about the government? (Hi…hi, hi, hi)

Hello, how are you? I know you, I knew you
I think I can remember your name…name
Hello, I’m sorry I lost myself
I think I thought you were someone else

Should we talk about the weather? (Hi…hi, hi)
Should we talk about the government? (Hi…hi, hi, hi)

Hello my friend, are you visible today?
You know I never knew that it could be so strange…strange
Hello, I’m sorry, I lost myself
I think I thought you were someone else

Should we talk about the weather? (Hi…hi, hi)
Should we talk about the government? (Hi…hi, hi, hi)

I think I thought Ed was someone else.  I think I thought  that he cared about other people. Sadly, as it turns out, he’s just a heartless, selfish jackass.  “I know you, I knew you feels” like the end of our marriage.  There were still a few things that were familiar, but the addict was taking over “recovery Ed” at a much more rapid rate, and he didn’t care who he hurt, as long as the beast inside of him was comforted.

The Truth Hurts

October 15, 2010

I haven’t posted any of Ed’s lovely comments about my blog, but his general request is that I just die.  Well, you know, expect for his comment that he “owns me from now until forever” and the one where he apologized for “hurting” me.  He would much prefer that I didn’t write this blog, and he likes to say that I am lying, but he knows the truth, he knows what he did to me, and he knows that he and Nancy have physically and verbally abused each other. 

If I could survive 11 years of marriage to Ed I’m pretty sure I can survive a nuclear holocaust.  Besides, he shouldn’t worry about my demise – with his AARP girlfriend his focus should be on improving her heart health and regularly completing the stroke prevention screening.   The two of them should be excited though, there are some new geriatric specialists in the state who I’m sure would love to see them =)

Safe Quarters

October 12, 2010

Every year in my hometown there is a community effort with walking teams who go door-to-door asking people for spare change to help with a local program for battered women who have left their abusers.  This year their drive made $98,000.

When I left Ed I thought long and hard about where I would go and how I would make things work.  I didn’t want to go into hiding because I didn’t want him to have that kind of power over me.  While I was nervous about staying in a place he knew and afraid of putting my family at risk, we really needed to go “home” and have our hearts and souls nurtured after all that we had endured.  I have often wondered if I had enough fear about the situation we put ourselves into when we left, and I consider a lot of the cat and mouse during the separation as a way to diffuse Ed’s anger. 

In some ways I am very glad that he is with Nancy.  It distracts his attention from us and the number of hours that he used to spend screaming and harassing me.  In other ways I will be forever disappointed.  Not just because of his lies, those were pretty awful, but because he ended up with someone who will repeat the sick cycle of abuse with him over and over again.  Someone who doesn’t want a better future for him.  And sadly, someone who is so selfish, that she doesn’t truly care about his well-being.

Go Big Red

October 8, 2010

When Ed and I were married a football game always meant a houseful.  We would get everything from the grocery store, set up the dining room as a buffet and my house would be filled with joyous outbursts for 4 hours, or more.

Last year when my son’s band played in the Holiday Bowl we had a houseful of family over to watch the game, we also had a Super Bowl party this year with tv’s going on multiple floors.  It’s different now.  I can’t exactly explain it.  We all enjoy watching football but the “live and die” aspect of it is gone.  Having season tickets a few years ago increased my appreciation for the game.  Not sharing them with Ed was probably among the best decisions I have ever made!

Teen Mom

October 4, 2010

MTV is the oddest thing.  Sometimes I will see something and be able to completely relate, like with Teen Mom or 16 and Pregnant.  Other times I don’t get it at all.  Yesterday afternoon while I was folding laundry and doing a little house work I caught an episode of Teen Mom where one of the girl’s was so frustrated by her child’s father that she completely lost it.  Admittedly this is one of the women that I don’t think much of, she spends a lot of time screaming.  But, she really had gotten to the point where she was over the laziness and demeaning attitude of her boyfriend. 

One of the other women had the opportunity to express feelings about the loss of her boyfriend.  He had died rather tragically in an accident while she was pregnant and she was trying to get social security for her daughter through paternity testing with a member of his family. 

In my world, it is often like Ed is dead.  He has missed out on the huge changes my son has been through in the last few years.  The coming of age things, like being taller than your parents, driving, going on dates and playing against the varsity football team.  And the personal achievements, like surviving 14 days in the mountains and doing the work to receive an academic letter.  It’s still really sad and disappointing for me that Ed could want so badly to raise a child and then walk out on him for a woman with so little to offer.