Archive for November, 2010

Thankful/Grateful

November 30, 2010

One of the most interesting things I saw when Ed was in recovery was the need for addicts to be grateful.  Grateful that they were alive and grateful for all the opportunities available to them with a life free of drugs and alcohol.

In some ways the same is true after escaping abuse.  I am grateful that I made it out alive.  And I’m thankful that my son and I weren’t harmed any more than we were.  I’m grateful that I have been able to keep moving forward with my life and completing the things I dreamed about.  I’m thankful that I finally have a support system that cares about me all the time.  And I am so happy and satisfied that I don’t have to waste so much time on fear and despair.  It was easy for me to be thankful this year with a houseful of people who were happy to spend time in our home, and with a husband who could behave himself and treat his family and his guests with respect.

Time Machine

November 22, 2010

Sometimes I just need some lyrics, maybe you do too.

She sits alone by a lamppost

Trying to find a thought that’s escaped her mind.

She says dad’s the one I love the most

But Stipe’s not far behind.

She never lets me in

Only tells me where she’s been

When she’s had too much to drink

I say that I don’t care I just run my hands through her dark hair

Then I pray to God you gotta Help me fly away

And just let her cry

If the tears fall down like rain

Let her sing

If it eases all her pain

Let her go

Let her walk right out on me

And if the sun comes up tomorrow

 Let her be Let her be

This morning I woke up alone

Found a note standing by the phone

Saying baby, maybe I’ll be back someday

I wanted to look for you

You walked in

I didn’t know just what I should do

So I sat back down and had a beer and felt sorry for myself

Last night I tried to leave

Cried so much I could not believe

She was the same girl I fell in love with long ago

She went in the back to get high

I sat down on my couch and cried yellin’ Oh momma, please help me

Won’t you hold my hand and…

Let her cry If the tears fall down like rain

Let her sing If it eases all her pain

Let her go

Let her walk right out on me

And if the sun comes up tomorrow

Let her be

Let her cry

If the tears fall down like rain

Let her sing

If it eases all her pain

Let her go

Let her walk right out on me

And if the sun comes up tomorrow

Let her be

Oh, let her be.

Nothing to Prove

November 16, 2010

It’s funny, as I’ve gotten older and more secure with myself and my new life I have less to “prove”.  I still want my house to be perfect when people come over to visit – I don’t know if that ever goes away.  But I feel much less nervous about if people like what I do or how I do it.  And I’ve grown a much bigger backbone about knowing when I’m right and staying in the fight.

As a grown-up, my goal is always to do the right thing for the right reason.  I don’t have to like it, bitching about it may or may not change the act of doing it, but I can get it done. 

I’ve learned a lot of valuable lessons in the last few years.  Being the “adult” in my divorce, continuing to work through my problems with a counselor and having a toxic ex-husband run off with a nasty old granny has taught me important lessons about who I am and how valuable I am.

Right now – less than a year from being done with school, successful at work, volunteering in a time-consuming position and sometimes feeling like I’m on top of the world makes up for a lot of the suffering I did before and a lot of the “beatings” that I took in the past when I was trying to prove to people that I was or wasn’t something that I thought I should be for them.

Bad Decisions

November 10, 2010

The last few days I’ve been thinking about my personal decision to be with Ed.  I was so young.  It’s hard to believe so many years have passed.  Personally, now that I’m in my 30’s, I can’t imagine being with someone so young!  Looking back at that time in my life I think I really wanted to be justified in my decision to keep my son even though I was a teenager and I always felt like I had something to prove to people.

As an adult, that part of me has mellowed.  I hate to sound like Jack Handy – but gosh darn it, people like me.  I am comfortable with myself, my choices, my marriage.  I don’t have to be something that other people want anymore.  Maybe being rid of Ed and losing my grandparents and my dad has opened a door for me to be myself. 

I made bad decisions before I was with ED, and several times while we were together.  My bad decisions hurt both of us and there are things I’m not proud of.  I have worked hard to own up to my regrets and move forward into a better place, but I still wonder, how long do bad decisions stay around to haunt us?

Hooting and Hollering

November 5, 2010

Today I will make the VERY LAST payment on the divorce debt that I agreed to pay off!!!!  The very last one.  Tonight we’ll toast on the deck, maybe dance in the moonlight, possibly run joyously through the neighborhood with the dogs.  November 5 will be a GREAT day! 

I was really excited about having that extra money every month until I realized that my son has two school trips coming up that I get to pay for.  Oh well, at least I never have to spend another penny on Pain Pill Marion =)

Emerging

November 4, 2010

In just a few short weeks it will be 2 years since my divorce was finalized.  I’m still recovering in some ways.  It’s odd, sometimes I’ll think I’m completely over it and then I’ll see something that reminds me of the control and pain.  Last week we were out walking the dogs and saw a man chase his girlfriends car down the street.  When she stopped for a light he reached in and turned it off and walked away with the keys.  She was frozen afterwards.  Stuck in traffic.  Unable to make a good decision.  He was embarrassing her, punishing her, controlling her and she didn’t know what kind of direction to take.  I have been there.  Not with Ed taking my keys but definitely with him making a public scene to show people who was in control.

The day after that incident I had a lot of anxiety.  My new husband doesn’t treat me like that, and I’m not afraid that he will.  The logical part of my brain knows that he won’t.  But sometimes, the illogical, sick, beaten part is still afraid.  Afraid of the punishment for a mistake that was unintentional.  Afraid that what was ok today will be wrong tomorrow.  Afraid that someday he will be upset for something that I don’t have any control over. 

Even though I am more confident than I was 5 years ago when I left, and 2 years ago when I made it legal I can still be quickly reminded that this is a process, and there will be times when the illogical part presses poison in and makes me doubt all the work I’ve done.

Happy Halloween

November 1, 2010

It’s funny, Ed loved scary things.  Scary movies, scary books, Halloween parties and dances, getting dressed up, going to haunted houses and on haunted hay rack rides. 

I spent years and years being scared all the time.  Scared that Ed would scream at me.  Scared that he would be in a foul mood.  Scared that we would fight over something I couldn’t control.  Scared that he would file another worker’s compensation suit.  Scared that we wouldn’t have money for groceries.  Scared that the gas or electric would get turned off and I wouldn’t have the money to turn it back on.  Scared that the car would give out and we wouldn’t have money to repair it.  Scared that even after finishing college Ed wouldn’t have the initiative to get a job.  Until I started talking about my fear in therapy I really didn’t realize that I was so scared all the time.  We lived precariously on the edge of poverty and Ed was so unhappy with his life and his decisions that we were probably in very real danger. 

Now that I’m free of that life I don’t really like scary things anymore.  Being frightened by a movie doesn’t do it for me since I survived such terrifying things in real life.  I wonder if Ed is still interested in those kinds of thrills.  Or if maybe, just maybe, Nancy has given him a taste of the treatment that I endured and scary isn’t fun anymore.