In just a few short weeks it will be 2 years since my divorce was finalized.  I’m still recovering in some ways.  It’s odd, sometimes I’ll think I’m completely over it and then I’ll see something that reminds me of the control and pain.  Last week we were out walking the dogs and saw a man chase his girlfriends car down the street.  When she stopped for a light he reached in and turned it off and walked away with the keys.  She was frozen afterwards.  Stuck in traffic.  Unable to make a good decision.  He was embarrassing her, punishing her, controlling her and she didn’t know what kind of direction to take.  I have been there.  Not with Ed taking my keys but definitely with him making a public scene to show people who was in control.

The day after that incident I had a lot of anxiety.  My new husband doesn’t treat me like that, and I’m not afraid that he will.  The logical part of my brain knows that he won’t.  But sometimes, the illogical, sick, beaten part is still afraid.  Afraid of the punishment for a mistake that was unintentional.  Afraid that what was ok today will be wrong tomorrow.  Afraid that someday he will be upset for something that I don’t have any control over. 

Even though I am more confident than I was 5 years ago when I left, and 2 years ago when I made it legal I can still be quickly reminded that this is a process, and there will be times when the illogical part presses poison in and makes me doubt all the work I’ve done.


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