Archive for December, 2010

New Year, New Life

December 28, 2010

Wow!!!  2011…. in 2000 I didn’t think Ed and I would make it more than another six months.  The summer of 2000 he left, and then he forced himself back into my life.  That was after a string of really rotten things he did to get “revenge” on me for hurting him.  I left in June 2005 and it took until December 2008 for the divorce to be finalized.  I’m still trying to understand the logistics of how I ended up with Ed and why I allowed myself to be mistreated, abused and used for so many years.

But 2011 is a new year =)  I’m graduating from college this year.  I’m able to make double car payments if I want this year.  I’m going to work on getting back into shape.  I’m going to take a vacation and enjoy it.  I’m going to watch my son do the work to make Eagle Scout.  I’m going to take my dogs for long walks.  And I’m going to live a much happier, easier and lovely life, without pain pill Marion!

Almost Christmas

December 21, 2010

I forgot to celebrate the finalizing of my divorce again this year… I think it was yesterday…. or maybe it was Saturday.  At any rate, it has been 2 FULL years since it was finalized.  Thank God for getting me through that miserable time in my life. Ed didn’t show up in court.  It’s funny, even at the end of our time together he couldn’t man up and do what he was supposed to do. 

Christmas is just a few days a way. I haven’t sweated about money this year.  I didn’t last year either.  It’s pretty nice.  Comforting.  Responsible. 

I miss my dad a lot.  Much more than I expected.  And I cry more about the minor things.  It’s funny, when I started therapy I was still really angry with my dad and I looked a lot at the patterns that match between he and Ed.  I’ve come to accept some of his decisions, and parts of his personality and I miss the good things.  I think the saddest part continues to be that he never grew up to be what I wanted him to be, just like Ed.

Emotionally Immature

December 17, 2010

Sometimes I need refreshers on alcoholism from Dr. Drew.  I admit I have missed several episodes this season but I caught an excellent statement Wednesday night.  “People with addictions are emotionally and sometimes intellectually stunted at the time that they began using drugs and that is the age that they will function at.  Through recovery, they will be able to mature.”

Ed and I started dating when I was 18 and he was 30.  I’m sure that I’ve mentioned that before.  Ed used alcohol for the first time when he was in his early teens, 12 or 13.  By the time he was 16 he was using multiple substances, and at 18 he had a near fatal drug overdose before a rock concert.  He got clean right before I met him.  Even though he was physically 30, he was emotionally/intellectually a teenager.  In his 20’s he suffered a closed head injury, which impairs logical thought and can contribute to poor decision-making.  I wonder what he would have been if he could have stayed clean the last 15 years?  Would it have increased his maturity?  Would he have been less controlling and manipulative?  What would have been different in our lives?

Fire!!!!

December 13, 2010

This week I want to throw a party =)  Ed’s favorite “adult book store” burned to the ground this weekend.  All three floors of it.  While I’m sad that the building was destroyed, I have to admit, I’m happy that the store is gone.  Not that there aren’t other one’s, but he liked that one a lot.

15 years ago I didn’t really have strong feelings about pornography one way or another.  After being married to a man with a pornography addiction I HATE it.  Not just a little bit.  A lot!  When I cleared the stuff out of his apartment for his landlord I threw away SEVERAL heaping garbage bags full of movies.  It was never anything benign like a Playboy.  When we met it was regular dirty movies, and by the time that he got evicted it was hard-core, stomach turning, corner of obscenity,  pornography.  Throwing it all away was one of the most empowering things I have ever done.

I gave

December 8, 2010

All the time…. more than I should have…. when Ed didn’t deserve it.

I heard this on the radio last night and started to cry, and really, it’s a cool song, sometimes I just still feel emotional about what I went through.  Here is the opening, he is singing about a cold hearted woman, but really, it works for either sex:

Easy come, easy go
That’s just how you live, oh
Take, take, take it all,
But you never give
Should of known you was trouble from the first kiss, Had your eyes wide open –
Why were they open?
Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked

Selfless Happiness

December 2, 2010

Funny title I know.  I was thinking this morning about being happy for someone even when their decision has a negative effect on your life.  Read it a couple more times, I had to re-write it a bunch of times to get it to register.

Ed has left me messages telling me that he wants me to be happy – I still want him to be miserable.  I still don’t really have closure, and I still have his crap in my garage and my laundry room.  And I want to be RID of it.

When my dad was dying this summer my stepsister and my stepbrother both made comments about how happy he made my stepmother’s life.  Most of my life I have focused on the decline they experienced.  How they struggled, how I wouldn’t want my life to be the way that theirs was.  They didn’t know if they would have enough money to get by, and most of the time they didn’t.  Neither of them particularly like working, they prefer to read, watch television, chat,  and they cook and clean as it suits them, not as a regularly scheduled part of life.  All of these things have driven me crazy at different points in my life, and I spent a lot of time wanting them to just grow up and be normal people.  But hearing the extension of my family, who lived in the situation and watched as things went on for over 22 years I realized that even though they weren’t living the life I would have chosen for them or for myself, they were happy, in their own weird way.   My stepsister and my stepbrother learned to be happy for their happiness even if they were disappointed in their situation, and I hope that someday, I can reach the same place with my dad’s choices and ultimately with Ed’s.