Archive for February, 2011

Security

February 25, 2011

It’s funny, but it’s not.  When Ed and I were together there were so many times that we had NOTHING.  I’m sure that my son remembers some more than others.  He was never put to bed hungry but he knew we lived on a tight budget with limited resources.  Sadly, those times with nothing have made certain things weird in my current life.

My freezer and pantry are STUFFED to overflowing, because I have money to buy groceries every week AND because we are home for only one meal a day.  Don’t get me wrong, I pack a breakfast and a lunch to take to work everyday and my husband often takes leftovers for lunch but there isn’t someone at home snacking at all hours of the day and night like there was with Ed. 

In addition to stockpiling necessities I try hard to pay ahead on our bills and to keep plenty of money in the savings account.  All that time with a destitute man compromised my security and in some ways my trust.  I feel like I have to keep a tight watch on the things that money takes care of and sometimes I don’t feel like I can relax all the way.  Even though I have security now, and I know, in my heart that I will for the rest of my life, the fear still ebbs in and I feel driven to have more than I need for times when there will be nothing, like a squirrel saving nuts for the winter!  I wonder how long it will take for that to go away.

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Abused to Death

February 17, 2011

This story ran in today’s paper http://journalstar.com/news/local/article_53a0d68d-c3d1-5506-9a7e-c682bbae6a8a.html  and nearly broke my heart.

I’m 34 now.  I was 18 when I met Ed.  High school aged, early college aged.  I thought that he would make my entire world better.  When I left I was afraid all the time, and it was hard for people to understand.  I never knew when the next explosion would hit or what would prompt it.  It  was way too close to home, especially when I read about the escalation of violence when the victim leaves.  I know all of those fears all too well.

Understanding

February 11, 2011

One of the things that Nancy wants to know is why I don’t focus my attention other places.  Anyone who knows me knows that very little of my time is committed to this blog.  I work full-time, go to school full-time, volunteer with two different community groups and play in a performance group at my church.  In addition to that, my son is involved in EVERYTHING. 

Even with all of that, you have to understand that being divorced doesn’t take away the pain of what happened in my marriage.  Being so badly abused, mistreated, manipulated and lied to doesn’t go away over night!  It took a lot of work for me to resolve the way that things went in my marriage and for me to assign some of the failures to Ed instead of to myself.  More often than not, victims of abuse believe that they deserve what is happening to them and that when there is a problem in their relationship, they are ultimately at fault.  That is what their abuser wants them to believe. 

Nancy also doesn’t know that even after I left, Ed tried everything that he could think of to rule and control my life.  This includes the time that he was dating her!   I was REQUIRED to call him every morning and every night.  He wanted to know where I was, what I was doing who I was with.  And if I didn’t call he would COMPLETELY fill up my voicemail at work with threats, followed by rants, followed by apologies.  I first hired an attorney for our divorce in 2005, 3 months before I moved out.  He fought tooth and nail for 3 and a half years to prevent our divorce.

It takes an unbelievable amount of time to heal from what I went through.  For me, this blog is therapeutic.  Ed doesn’t want things published here because he doesn’t want other “victims” oops, “girlfriends” to know what he is capable of, and that what he is doing to them has been done to other people.  My only window on Nancy is my interaction with the police from her calls to them, and what Ed told me.  Slanted or not.  She can know plenty about me, and Ed in this journal, whenever she chooses to read it.

Signing Day

February 2, 2011

It’s so funny to me that I associate so many football things with Ed.  When we met he loved Nebraska football and his friend “Pookey” loved the Raiders.  We had lots of football parties over the years and during the extended season it seemed like some of Ed’s buddies lived at our house.  We played along and made it work, in fact, I think we all had a lot of fun those days and I don’t even like football.  In 2000 as a special “surprise” present for Ed I bought him a 65 inch big screen tv.  It was fun for sports, and weird for everything else.   

Today is the signing day for college athletes.  My son is home from school for a snow day and has been keeping up to date with where people are going.  This year it is personally exciting for our family because we know a few of the athletes who are signing.  I wondered this morning if Ed was working, or watching tv, or if he was sleeping through it in a pill induced haze.  All I really ever wanted was for him to grow up and have a good life.  Now all I really want is to know that he is clean, and headed the right direction.  It’s odd.  While I cannot forgive him for what I went through, I still want to keep the hope that he can have a good and productive life.  Maybe it was all the time I put in to making that happen for him.