Understanding

One of the things that Nancy wants to know is why I don’t focus my attention other places.  Anyone who knows me knows that very little of my time is committed to this blog.  I work full-time, go to school full-time, volunteer with two different community groups and play in a performance group at my church.  In addition to that, my son is involved in EVERYTHING. 

Even with all of that, you have to understand that being divorced doesn’t take away the pain of what happened in my marriage.  Being so badly abused, mistreated, manipulated and lied to doesn’t go away over night!  It took a lot of work for me to resolve the way that things went in my marriage and for me to assign some of the failures to Ed instead of to myself.  More often than not, victims of abuse believe that they deserve what is happening to them and that when there is a problem in their relationship, they are ultimately at fault.  That is what their abuser wants them to believe. 

Nancy also doesn’t know that even after I left, Ed tried everything that he could think of to rule and control my life.  This includes the time that he was dating her!   I was REQUIRED to call him every morning and every night.  He wanted to know where I was, what I was doing who I was with.  And if I didn’t call he would COMPLETELY fill up my voicemail at work with threats, followed by rants, followed by apologies.  I first hired an attorney for our divorce in 2005, 3 months before I moved out.  He fought tooth and nail for 3 and a half years to prevent our divorce.

It takes an unbelievable amount of time to heal from what I went through.  For me, this blog is therapeutic.  Ed doesn’t want things published here because he doesn’t want other “victims” oops, “girlfriends” to know what he is capable of, and that what he is doing to them has been done to other people.  My only window on Nancy is my interaction with the police from her calls to them, and what Ed told me.  Slanted or not.  She can know plenty about me, and Ed in this journal, whenever she chooses to read it.

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