Archive for April, 2011

Waiting for the Other Shoe

April 26, 2011

It’s been nearly a year since I’ve heard from Ed.  Even though I wonder about the decisions that he is making and hope that he has taken the time to break free of his addictions, it is sometimes as though I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I’m waiting for his angry outbursts, waiting for him to scream, to jump out of the shadows swinging and sometimes, I am surprised when he isn’t there to do it.  On the other hand I am  surprised that I was able to stand up to him and tell him no more, and walk away instead of watching him self-destruct.  It’s a funny thing waiting, hurting, recovering, and walking away.  Two years ago I was furious, cheated, cut down, battered.  Today I’m ready for spring, a beautiful transition without fear.  Without anger.  Without manipulation and intentional pain.  Without addiction.

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That Kind Of Husband

April 19, 2011

It’s funny how a passing comment will make you think about different things.  Someone complimented my husband yesterday morning and his willingness to help me with different things.  I have always told people that we make an excellent team, and we do.  It is so much different from my first marriage that I guess in some ways it’s still a surprise when other people notice.

In the early days, before Ed decided he was happier being sick and addicted, he was a good parent and an average husband.  It isn’t like he was always this demented addict who didn’t care about anything but pills, porn, gambling and the internet.  I suspect our divorce was confusing for people who remembered Ed as the dedicated parent taking my son to swimming lessons, and baseball games, and cheering him on in micro soccer.  What they probably didn’t see was the dad who was so wasted on pain pills that he couldn’t get out of bed for Saturday morning football practice.  The dad who was more interested in the computer than he was in playing outside.  Or the man who promised to take a little boy to the movies, but took his girlfriend out instead. 

I’m lucky today to have a working team.  I cannot imagine what my life would be like if I had stayed with Ed.  My son wouldn’t have a car.  I would probably still be living in a rental in a high-risk part of the city.  I wouldn’t be a few months away from graduating college.  And Ed would probably be the same person that he has been for the last 10 years.  Trying to do as little as possible.  Ignoring the harm that he causes and the opportunities he takes away.  Focused on himself and the trivial things that occur in the life of a virtually home bound addict.  I am so happy that I’m free and that I have finally begun to share my life with someone who cares as much for me as I do for them!

Signs of Addiction

April 11, 2011

If you have a few minutes, you might want to check out http://health.yahoo.net/caring/20-secret-signs-of-addiction

Sometimes when I read things like this it feels like researchers spent 10 years looking in the windows at us.  About 3 months after we got married (1997) Ed started taking narcotic pain pills.  And he never got back off of them.  Two of the points in the signs of addiction article are pain that never ends and sickness without cause.  When Ed got to the end of a prescription and had to wait 3-4 days until he could get a refill he would go through obvious withdrawal.  Vomiting, abdominal pain, headaches, anxiety, insomnia, and aggressive behavior.  Because his body and brain were overflowing with opioids, he had a high tolerance and relished additional health problems because it would mean more drugs.

I didn’t see all of this when I was living it.  I mean of course I had my suspicions, but I so badly didn’t want to believe it.  This was a doubly complicated position for me because I worked my tail off getting Ed through school to be an addictions counselor, and getting him help or having an intervention would have compromised his ability to work, just like getting ticketed for abusing me would have compromised his ability to get a counseling license.  I should have left years before I did.  I should have gone to Al-Anon, I should have made an ultimatum early in marriage counseling, back in 1999 and said treatment or divorce, those are your only choices.  It’s so much easier looking at things outside the situation than it was while we were inside it being manipulated and terrorized!  I am so thankful every day that we are free of that life!

When the Mouse Beats the Hawk

April 8, 2011

Last night we went to Once Upon a Mattress.  It is the spring high school musical and it was wonderful.  In the end, the Prince stands up to his mother and she becomes mute and the King’s curse is lifted so that he is no longer mute.  Early in this musical we learn that the curse can only be lifted when the mouse beats the hawk. 

In 2005 I was the mouse.  I was beaten down, sad, abused, terrified and ready for revenge.  I endured all that I could, packed up my “baby” and left.  I knew that I would never go back to Ed, but with the merciless bullying I couldn’t tell him that.  

Six years later my life is AWESOME!  I have security that he could never offer and hope for a bright and happy future.  I learned a lot being the mouse and now my life is on top, and Ed is in the trenches.  I’m not sure he will ever get what he deserves, but I’m glad to be done with him!

2 Years Ago

April 4, 2011

In just a few short weeks it will be 2 years since I started my little blog.  Hopefully it has helped other people as much as it has helped me.  I was never much for a journal or a diary before, but this has been incredibly therapeutic.

Two years ago I took my dad on the last vacation of his life.  We stayed in a huge hotel, right on the beach and I think he enjoyed himself.  If I had known then that it was our last week together outside a hospital I would have spared no expense.

When I arrived home from the trip I got to explain to the local police that I had not “stolen” my cat from Ed’s house but that I had to take care of her since Ed abandoned her to go on a “secret” vacation with Nancy. 

This month my new husband and I will make the 24th payment on our home.  Only 336 more to go =)

Almost two years ago, Ed saw my son perform for the last time.  I was already engaged but I didn’t wear my ring that night because I didn’t want to hurt Ed’s feelings…. and I didn’t want to be attacked.   Looking back I should have worn it, that rock sets off quite a glare!

Two years ago I got to start my life over.  My first marriage helped me to realize how strong I really am and how much I deserve.  So here I am, two years later.  Getting ready to graduate from college, getting ready to go to graduate school, getting ready to plan my son’s high school graduation, getting ready for summer vacation.  I can sleep now without worrying about money.  I can come home after a long day at work and not worry that I’m walking into a snake pit.  I can have a good partnership with a man who loves me every day, and doesn’t terrorize me for his own amusement.  I can be who I am and enjoy every minute of it.