Archive for May, 2011

Face Down

May 25, 2011
Red Jumpsuit Aparatus –
 
Hey, girl, you know you drive me crazy
one look puts the rhythm in my hand.
Still I’ll never understand why you hang around
I see what’s going down.Cover up with makeup in the mirror
tell yourself, it’s never gonna happen again
You cry alone and then he swears he loves you.

Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I’ll tell you my friend, one day this world’s going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found.

A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect
every action in this world will bear a consequence
If you wade around forever, you will surely drown
I see what’s going down.

I see the way you go and say you’re right again,
say you’re right again
Heed my lecture.

Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I’ll tell you my friend, one day this world’s going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has…

One day she will tell you that she has had enough
It’s coming round again.

Do you feel like a man when you push her around?
Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?
Well I’ll tell you my friend, one day this world’s going to end
as your lies crumble down, a new life she has…

Face down in the dirt, she said,
“This doesn’t hurt”, she said,
“I finally had enough.”

Advertisements

Stuff

May 24, 2011

Over the weekend we went to Denver for the U2 concert.  It was my son’s first extra-large venue show and he loved it.  While we were there I took the time to drop off some of Ed’s “stuff”.  It is amazing how much better I feel not being responsible for it.  Hopefully he will be happy to get it back.

Closure

May 16, 2011

I had an oddly disturbing dream Saturday night.  It was part cop drama, part mystery, part Lifetime movie.  I had to find two missing people.  One had been missing for 3 weeks, the other for just a few days.  The first missing person was an ex-boyfriend.  A guy who was almost as toxic to me as Ed was.  The second missing person was the girl that he dated after I left him.  The have been broken up for a long time so I’m not sure what tied them together in my brain. 

I had to track them in a parking garage that had multiple stories and search each area in an effort to find them.  I finally found her tied to a concrete column.  She was alive but cold and scared.  I found him dead in the trunk of a car.  In my dream I felt so bad for her being tied up and cold for three days with no one caring to find her.  In comparison I registered almost no emotion at finding him dead after several weeks of being missing.  I haven’t seen him in several years so maybe that was part of the detachment.

I felt lost, and disoriented, cold and tired while I was searching and in my dream there were many times that I wanted to give up looking.  A dream interpretation website notes that often when you dream about garages it follows a period of idleness in your life when you feel as though you are lacking direction in achieving your goals.  That is a perfect description of the way I felt with the guy who died in my dream.  I was completely spinning my wheels and I didn’t know how things would come out.  The same site says that a car trunk represents things that you are carrying around with you.  While I have always thought I was over that ex, apparently a part of me still felt cheated and played.  I think that the longer I can be really loved and cherished the more I’ll be able to let go these painful things from the past.  I made so many mistakes when I was younger and now I seem to be looking for closure on those foolish decisions!

The Old “Hood”

May 11, 2011

Before we moved out of our old neighborhood things were starting to go downhill.  There was more crime, more drugs, more sex offenders.  Yesterday there was a weird shooting a block from our old apartment.  It was funny seeing all those old houses on tv.  When we moved in I LOVED our building, now that I’m a homeowner I’m SO glad I didn’t fiddle around with a house in the historic district.

Late last night into this morning there has been a standoff on the north end of town.  The man is in his early 50’s, not that much older than Ed, and he has a rifle.  The SWAT Team has been present all night.  I have been thinking all morning about an agitated man with a gun and how things can come out badly.  I’m so glad that I made it out of my first marriage alive.  When I was there it was hard to see how dangerous it really was!

I Feel Like a New Woman

May 6, 2011

It’s funny, the longer I am divorced from Ed and free from the poison that he regularly inserted into my life the better I feel.  Not just about myself but about the world around me as well. 

I have an exciting goal for this summer, I’m planning to ride a metric century!  I have a good support team.  I’ve been training regularly and it’s improving my outlook in a variety of ways.

I will graduate from college in the middle of October.  It is so wonderful to be close to the end.  I can hardly wait for the next adventure in my life!

I feel more in love than I have ever felt in my life.  I’m happy, content, safe, supported, and I have absolute faith that I am loved back the same way.

This week I have read two phrases, in two different places, that in a relationship, one person always loves a little more than the other one.  I think that in my first marriage I loved Ed more than he loved me and there was nothing that I could have done to make him love me more.  I wasn’t a great wife the first time around.  I’m trying to do better this time.  It’s easier to be trustworthy when I can trust the person I’m with.

Goo Goo Dolls

May 3, 2011

I keep hearing this on the radio.  I’m not sure if I like it or not… but the lyrics are worth repeating. 

Stranger than your sympathy
And this is my apology
I killed myself from the inside out
And all my fears have pushed you out

And I wished for things that I don’t need
(all I wanted)
And what I chased won’t set me free
(all I wanted)
And I get scared but I’m not crawlin’ on my knees

Oh, yeah
Everything’s all wrong, yeah
Everything’s all wrong, yeah
Where the hell did I think I was?

And stranger than your sympathy
Take these things, so I don’t feel
I’m killing myself from the inside out
And now my head’s been filled with doubt

We’re taught to lead the life you choose
(all I wanted)
You know your love’s run out on you
(all I wanted)
And you can’t see when all your dreams aren’t coming true

Oh, yeah
It’s easy to forget, yeah
When you choke on the regrets, yeah
Who the hell did I think I was?

And stranger than your sympathy
And all these thoughts you stole from me
And I’m not sure where I belong
And nowhere’s home and no more wrong

And I was in love with things I tried to make you believe I was
And I wouldn’t be the one to kneel before the dreams I wanted
And all the dark and all the lies were all the empty things disguised as me

Mmm, yeah
Stranger than your sympathy
Stranger than your sympathy
Mmm hmmm mmm