Archive for June, 2011

Using the System

June 28, 2011

The degree I’m working on is in Healthcare Management.  Sometimes my classwork reminds me of Ed and all his “illnesses”.  Odd.  I know.  Believe me.  I find it absolutely bizarre and I’m the one who thinks of it. 

One of the topics in my textbook last week was about living in chaos and change.  My life now is quiet, almost easy… although I hate to say that too loudly.  I’m busy, don’t get me wrong, and I roll with the punches…. but I think that a lot of my skill, my calm and my flexibility came from the time in my life that was with Ed.  I had a REALLY hard job with really difficult people and I had him and his “dry drunk” conditions from time to time and eventually his narcotic addiction to face daily.  My counselor mentored me through a lot of that.  He helped me to see what kinds of reactions worked, what didn’t and how I could live in a state of readiness and proactivity instead of a climate full of chaos and reactions.

Ed used the healthcare system to feed the beast.  He visited doctors and Emergency Departments and at the end of his time in Lincoln I suspect that he was pharmacy hopping to get more and more drugs.  I hope that he has gotten back into some kind of recovery program.   I am glad to be free from the torments of his addiction.  I suppose someday I will benefit from al-anon or nar-anon but right now, I just don’t have the time.


A Father’s Day without Father’s

June 20, 2011

Yesterday was my first Father’s Day without my dad.  To be honest, it wasn’t as hard for me as it was a few weeks ago when I marked a year since I had heard his voice.  I’m still trying to be strong and sometimes it’s better than others.

Yesterday was two years for my son with no effort from Ed for Father’s Day.  We tried to make the best of it and have fun.  I wonder if under the surface he is sad or if he really has transitioned and coped with Ed walking away from him and never looking back.  I cannot imagine leaving a child that I raised.

Movin’ On Up?

June 16, 2011

With traffic and construction I have found myself on Nancy’s street a few times in the last few months.  I haven’t seen the Cadillac for quite a while, and this morning, the RV was gone.  I don’t know if Nancy has moved, or had car problems and is now on vacation, or if she is trying to move on with her life.

As best as I can tell she and Ed have been apart a full year now.  If her e-mail’s to me mean anything she is recovering from their drama and has accepted that he told her a pack of lies. 

I got a collections call for Ed on my home phone this week.  It is amusing to me since he has never lived at my new address and has no real connection to me anymore.  At least they have stopped calling me at work to find him.

College Football

June 13, 2011

This week my “baby” will be at college football camp.  Ed taught my son a LOT about college football and sports strategy and those things have stayed with him.  I’ve had to teach him about the endurance and the commitment it takes to be an athlete and to compete at a high level, since Ed always takes the easy way out.  This week I thought that I would be overwhelmed with work, but thankfully I’ll be having a “normal” week so I’ll be able to get him ready for training every night.  I can hardly wait to see how things come out!

Summer Time

June 6, 2011

It’s funny the things that cross my mind.  Yesterday I rode 30 miles on my bike. The last time I did that was before I was divorced.  It was actually really early in our separation.  I thought that Ed would want to celebrate that I had done it.  Instead he wanted to go to Ribfest with his friend Bob. 

It was about 90 degrees yesterday during the ride and once we were home, in air-conditioned bliss I thought about the old house and about trying to sleep at night when it was blistering hot.  The single window air conditioner was never strong enough to cool our bedrooms.  After that I thought about people being irritable in the heat and the ways that we used to fight.  It’s funny that I would combine environmental things with all that upset….  I always used to think that the house would carry such good memories for me, but ultimately, it is thick with disappointment.