Archive for July, 2011

To the Last Breath

July 28, 2011

I used to read a lot of true crime stories.  When I was married to Ed my interest decreased over time, and I always thought that it was because I was growing up and maybe growing out of those kinds of books.  This summer I read “To the Last Breath”, http://www.truecrime.net/carltonstowers/lastbreath.htm.  A story about a man in Texas who killed his 2-year-old daughter for insurance money.  The comparisons between Ed’s personality and the killer are FRIGHTENING.  After the third chapter I wasn’t sure if I wanted to finish the book.

The man would leave his wife and family and come back, he would pretend to be remorseful but then manipulate his ex-wife to feel guilty about his bad behavior.  He would make promises with no intent of keeping them.  He would stalk his ex-wife and watch her home, coincidently calling her nearly every time that she walked in the door, and even showing up at a new house when she hadn’t told him she was moving.  A year after their divorce, she re-married, and her fear of his reaction was so intense that she and her husband had no public ceremony or celebration.  I know exactly how that felt.  I did have a big wedding and party, mostly because Ed was already involved with Nancy and had backed off quite a bit on his pressure on me.  As I have said before I spent a lot of hours hiding my engagement ring and wedding band. 

When I left I was terrified, during the divorce process I was bullied and tortured, after it was over I still lived in fear of what Ed would do to me if he found out that I was improving my life.  I think that maybe I stopped reading true crime because the personalities of the sociopath’s in the books were too close to what I was living at home.  At times it is hard to believe how psychologically damaged I was coming out of my first marriage.  I feel more like myself now.  Sometimes I still apologize for things that are beyond my control.  Sometimes I over function for no good reason.  Sometimes I wonder how much further it would have gone if we hadn’t gotten out when we did.

Over My Head

July 14, 2011

Fell in love with this a few weeks ago while mowing the lawn, thanks to the Fray!  People knew that things were out of control long before I was willing to stop pretending that I could control them. 

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that’s how it’s got to be
It’s coming down to nothing more than apathy
I’d rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who’s still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I’m in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She’s on your mind
She’s on your mind

Let’s rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that’s disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows I’m in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She’s on your mind
She’s on your mind

Everyone knows I’m in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She’s on your mind
She’s on your …

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I’m becoming the part that don’t last
I’m losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won’t let it go down till we torch it ourselves

And everyone knows I’m in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She’s on your mind
She’s on your mind

Everyone knows
She’s on your mind
Everyone knows I’m in over my head
I’m in over my head
I’m over my…

Vacation

July 11, 2011

As most of the readers of this blog have gathered Ed was LAZY.  He didn’t want to work, did the minimums for school, and could have cared less about our marriage.  With the most minimal effort Ed felt that he “earned” or deserved vacation.  The year that I left him I informed him that I wouldn’t be taking him on vacation with me.  He was FURIOUS!  He had no money to pay for the trip, he didn’t have a job, I was helping him with bills, and he thought that he could just continue to leech off my family like he did when we were married. 

While we were gone he ran around with an older woman and drove his motorcycle to Kansas for a job interview.  When I got home, we fought for two days.  He was mad because I went without him, and I was angry because he spent the time hanging out instead of finding a job.  Those were two insurmountable issues in our relationship.  He didn’t want to do anything, and he didn’t want me to either, and he felt entitled to do nothing while the rest of the world worked and struggled to get ahead.  I should have gotten the divorce that year, instead of three years later.

With a Bang

July 5, 2011

I love fireworks.   Almost embarrassingly.  The 4th has always been one of my very favorite holiday’s.  There is something about the noise and the magic of the show that make me happy and excited.  When Ed and I were married the 4th was always funny.  Our first 4th together we almost broke up – after a month in our apartment, because there was a lot of alcohol and I wanted to be young and have fun.  After that we spent the 4th in Colorado for a few years.  They have a beautiful fireworks show above Boulder and it was super fun.  After we separated Ed would come over and eat and leave, he couldn’t be bothered to stay for the part of the holiday that I liked. 

The last two years my husband and I have celebrated with our new neighbors at their 3rd of July party.  It’s a great night with lots of booms and the first time we went we slept on the floor in our living room after the party since we didn’t have any furniture.   This year two of my girlfriends came along and I helped them scope out guys.  It’s funny, even when I’m “boy watching” I have no interest in anyone else.  I never realized that being really in love could change so many things about me!

This year my son lit off almost all our fireworks.  It was great.  He has grown up so much!  I had fun but I still wasn’t as excited as I used to be.  I wonder if I have outgrown the holiday or if those years where Ed tried to ruin my fun have left a certain permanent damper on my experience.