Archive for September, 2011

Twists and Turns

September 27, 2011

Last night I attended the visitation for a friend’s ex-mother-in-law.  Her ex-husband was there of course and he was as odd and off-kilter as ever.  I must admit, it was a very awkward feeling to be there, and I don’t think many people attended her visitation. 

It made me think about the decline of their marriage and the decline of mine during the same time.  Both our ex-husbands had treatable diseases, her’s bipolar disorder and mine addiction.  She left in a difficult way, sneaking away at the end of the school year with a man she met on the internet to a different state to start a new life.  Like me, she knew that a normal ending to the relationship wasn’t really a possibility. Sadly, she had to leave behind her son and he has been raised in an odd way by an odd man.  I wonder now how deep my desperation to be free would have gotten?

Politics

September 26, 2011

I know that this might seem like a funny post – but I’m finishing my last class and it’s all about rights, politics, liberty and freedom.  I have always considered myself a strong liberal.  Over the last 5 years I have become a little more moderate, but when writing papers for this class I feel like a conservative Republican.

Seeing Ed’s laziness, wastefulness and strong sense of entitlement changed a lot of my ideas about social welfare and the benefits of public assistance.  Using Ed’s social security money to pay the rent is the closest I ever came to using social welfare.  My goal the entire time that I knew him was to get him off of federal aid and into the workforce.  No one can sit at home and watch tv for the rest of their lives.  I wish I could understand the psychology of wanting to do nothing.  Maybe it is because I always want more.

It is bewildering to me that my divorce changed some of the deeper parts of the person that I have always been.  I occasionally feel more calloused about things, but writing these papers, I feel like I have a little axe to grind with people unwilling to do what it takes to make it, maybe because I could never get Ed to do anything productive.

A Tantrum

September 13, 2011

When I was a very small child I threw some EPIC, award-winning fits.  I generally expected to get my way and when I didn’t the frustration overpowered me. 

The last few week’s have been JAM packed.  I feel overwhelmed, pressured, frustrated and annoyed on a regular basis.  It’s finals for my electives – and the first week of classes for my last 400 level course in college.  Band and football season are both in full swing, we have unplanned work coming up with scouts, and the garage floor was re-surfaced last weekend.  It just seems as though everything is happening at once.  If I thought it would help I would throw a tantrum.  As it is I am trying to keep a tight lock on my mean thoughts to keep them from escaping and hurting anyone’s feelings.  I think it is time for a BREAK!

Skyscraper

September 6, 2011

Heard this for the first time last week.  Pretty empowering!  

Skies are crying, I am watching
Catching teardrops in my hands
Only silence, as it’s ending, like we never had a chance.
Do you have to make me feel like there’s nothing left of me?

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I’m made of glass
Like I’m made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper

As the smoke clears
I awaken and untangle you from me
Would it make you feel better to watch me while I bleed
All my windows still are broken but I’m standing on my feet

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I’m made of glass
Like I’m made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper

Go run run run I’m gonna stay right here
Watch you disappear yeah
Go run run run yeah it’s a long way down
But I’m closer to the clouds up here

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I’m made of glass
Like I’m made of paper
Ohh
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper