What a Nightmare

Last night I had a bad nightmare about Ed.  It’s been a long time since that happened and it left me a little shaken up this morning.  I had car trouble and ended up back at our old house in the historical district.  The last time I was there the house was in a shambles – rotting food, dirty dishes, clothes and personal things strewn out all over the place.  Ed had sold all the furniture and electronics and I helped our old landlord get rid of things. 

In my nightmare, the house was clean, but not much like it was when we lived there.  It had a beautiful china cabinet in the dining room full of antique glass, a bar, some furniture and some alcohol.  That’s kind of what was funny, there was dark beer (Ed drank MGD Lite) and a bottle of rum or whiskey on the floor in the living room (Ed drank tequilla).  I remember being shocked that there was anything just sitting out, since he was maintaining his sobriety in public there would have never been anything like that.  The other thing that was odd is that my son was a little boy again, probably about the age he was when we left.  He had anxiety about going back the same way I did.  I called my friend Susan and she sent her husband to pick me up.  While we waited Ed and I fought about his time with my son, how he hadn’t been an active part of his life and had walked away, just like he did from his own kids.  Then we got into a fist fight (I confess, it always feels AMAZING to punch him in my dreams) and then Susan’s husband arrived to take us away from all that.  Oddly he was in an old white and blue Rambler and on the drive home he said that Ed seemed like a nice guy and I broke down bawling and then woke up.

I still feel odd about the dream this morning!  Somewhat angry, somewhat frightened.  Weird that my brain can go back to those emotions after all these years.  I know that I am safe now.  And loved.  That Ed isn’t a nice guy and that I don’t have to deal with him ever again!

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